Complaining time

Just a fair warning, this post is pretty much just me getting some thoughts out and complaining. Sorry if any of this offends anyone. Please, don't try to start any arguments or anything. I get that people won't feel the same way as I do, but I just had to vent.

Have you ever noticed how much hate there is in the world lately? You have racists, sexists, people who think they're better than everyone else. I read an article yesterday about a three year old being shot and killed during a road rage incident because his grandmother (the driver) took too long to start back up at a stop sign. A week before Christmas. I just can't understand why someone would do that. How bad does your life have to be to make you think it's okay to go shoot up a car because they took too long at a stop sign. Another article I read was about a girl who agreed to foster a dog and then stopped talking to the owner and said she moved to a different state when she really just kept the dog crated up in the backyard of her place with no food or anything. What makes people think that shit like this is okay?!
As a millennial, am I allowed to say that they're annoying? I just don't understand half the things they come up with lately. A majority of them think that things should just be handed to them. Why do the work when they can just throw fits and get what they want. They also have a habit of thinking they can do certain things because of things that happened in the past. It's all bologna. Going with the millennials, I don't get the whole "don't assume my gender" thing. If it looks like a man and talks like a man, how am I wrong to assume its a man? One of my friends, when talking to her about it said "if it looks like a duck and quacks like a duck, it's a chicken" and sadly, that's never been truer. I shouldn't have to hesitate to call someone "ma'am" or "sir" because I'm afraid to offend someone. And now we have people who have no gender or they identify as both. That's something that I don't understand. You're supposed to refer to them as them or they. Umm, okay?
Another thing I don't understand is how is drug addiction considered a disease. Didn't you decide to do drugs in the first place? Don't get me wrong, I feel sorry for the people who are addicted and their families, but you chose to smoke and/or put that needle into your arm. I wouldn't completely classify that as a disease. Cancer is a disease. Being addicted to drugs isn't a disease. Maybe it could be because of the effect it has on your brain. But again, YOU chose to do it! You know you can get help if you ask for it. You know your family is concerned and willing to help. You know what can happen. Yet, you decided to do it that first time and every time after. A disease isn't a choice. You didn't pick to get cancer or asthma or lupus. But you did pick to do drugs.
That's about it for my complaining time. Thank you.

November 30, 2016

Today marks three years that Paul Walker passed away. It hasn't exactly gotten any easier. I know what some of you think, I never met him. But I didn't have to. His death affected me regardless. There isn't a day that goes by that I don't think about him. Though, I do have a tattoo for him that I see a lot. We miss you, Paul!
Now, on to happy stuff. Erik and I have been together for seven months now. The longest relationship I have ever been. Hopefully, it'll be the longest ever. I'm pretty confident in it. He still seems to like me, so I think I have a shot. I don't know, though. It's his choice. I hope he likes me enough.
Next thing. I think the promotion has been going well. I'm still pretty nervous about it. I'm afraid I'm going to mess it up though. I was told I would get keys in about two weeks. But, I'm not sure if I will be ready by then. I was, also, told that I need to break out of my shell a little more before I fully take on the position. I think I can be "mean" when needed. I guess stern would be the word to use, really. I'm just not 100% sure I'm going to be good at this. I know I can do it. At least, I can do it in the morning, the closing shift on the other hand. I guess we'll see how it goes.

Nov. 20, 2016

Day 10 of having this horrible cough. It's starting to hurt more and more each day. I've barely been able to sleep. Though, last night was the best sleep I've gotten in awhile. I'm hoping it'll go away soon. It's supposedly not contagious, but a lot of people have this. I'm thinking it started out as allergies and just kept getting worse thanks to this wacky weather we've been having. Maybe I'll actually go see a doctor and figure out what is going on with us. Dad thinks it's something in the house. He may be right. Guess we'll find out.
In other news, there is nothing going on. The promotion is going well, I think. Mia doesn't seem to be enjoying it. She gets upset every time I drop her off at the daycare and whenever I pick her up. She screams and cries whenever she sees me. The day care keeps saying it'll get better. But I'm not so sure about that. I know the next few days will be hard. Work has me closing one night and opening the next morning. Mia hasn't been without me at night before. Also, got most of my Christmas shopping planned out. Haven't bought very much, but it's all in wishlists and all. That way, I can easily buy it all on payday. I just have to do some shopping at TSC then I'll be all done. I'm actually really excited for this Christmas. Mia will actually be able to participate and this is the first time I've ever had a boyfriend on Christmas. It's kinda exciting. And, I'll actually have money!

Post 100!!

Look at this, everyone! Post 100. Thank you to those that have been here since the beginning. I know there may not be many of you, but I know there are some. So, to update on how this blog is doing. I have had a total of 3,638 page views since I first started this blog. Most are, of course, from the US, 3,319 views. The place with the second most views is France at 132 views. Then we've got Russia (46), Ireland (37), Portugal (37), Poland (10), Mexico (7), Ukraine (7), Australia (6), and Germany (6). I know there were other places that aren't listed because there are 31 page views not in my list. My first post was on August 27, 2014. I have now had this blog for over two years. You have been with me since announcing I was pregnant to now. Of course, I will be discussing Amelia shortly, as well as a few other things. I just wanted to say how proud I am of this blog. I originally started this as a way to make money and stay home. But, seeing as I've had this blog for two years and I've made 58 cents. It ended up being a way to get things off my chest and not have to write in a diary. 
Now on to Amelia. She was supposed to start day care on the 26th, but she got the stomach flu instead. It was a rough few days. She just had to pass it on to everyone. Her, then me, then Mom and Dad, then Michaila. Thankfully, it was over within three days for all of us. She started day care on the first of this month. So far, it's been pretty good. She doesn't like it when I leave her, but the person who runs it says it only lasts about 10 minutes before she starts playing with the other kids. I normally have to pick her up during nap time, though. She doesn't like that very much. Soon that'll change though.
I finally got a promotion at work. I am now a Team Lead at my job. I am so excited but very nervous. I'm actually more nervous than anything. I don't want to mess anything up. What if I don't do well? That's what keeps going through my mind. I think I'm ready for it, but I don't want to disappoint anyone. There are some people who stuck their necks out for me to get this position and I don't want to disappoint them. I know I can do it, I just don't want to mess it up. That's the biggest issue. Besides needing a babysitter for the weekends and weeknights. Thankfully, the weekdays are taken care of. There are so many good things about this that even out the 
bad. The raise, the benefits, more hours, sick days, and vacation days. I could, possibly, afford to move out. I could actually afford a good Christmas for Amelia. (And Erik). 

Lastly, Erik and I finally hit six months of dating. Still not sure if it feels like it's been longer or shorter than that. Either way, I'm happy and I love him.

October 15, 2016

Amelia got into day care. She'll start once I get the certificate from MountainHeart. Then she'll go to Cookies-N-Milk DayCare. I'm pretty excited to get her to start going. She'll have friends and would be able to be happier. She wouldn't have so many issues. Maybe there will be less screaming and crying all the time. Maybe she'll be a little better with sleeping too. They have nap time at 1, and she won't have me or boob to help her sleep. She'll have to learn to sleep without me. Maybe, I could even get her to sleep in her crib. That would be a dream come true. Have a bed to myself again. It'd be easier for Erik to stay over, as well. I wouldn't have to sleep in between two human heaters.
Erik, Amelia, and I were supposed to go to a Renaissance Festival in Shepherdstown today. Erik got his shift covered so that we could go. Then they ended up just changing his shift to earlier in the day. It still makes us miss the festival, though.  Though, apparently, I need to get out of the house for awhile, with Mia, so that Mom and Dad can do some cleaning. Maybe we'll still go to the festival or find something else to do. I'm sure the park would be nice. Maybe I can talk Auntie Piggy into doing something with us today. Wishful thinking, right?
Two issues coming up in November. My grandmother's boyfriend passed away, and I would like to go to his celebration of life party, but Mom and Dad leave for their 2 week trip the same day I would leave. Maybe Michaila will stay and take care of the dogs. Hahahaha. Right? Second thing is Black Friday. Got a day care so that I wouldn't have to miss work while my parents are gone. Turns out though, that the daycare is closed that day. Now, I'm back to square one. Not sure what to do. Thinking of asking some neighbors for help. or, you know, request off that day. I'll figure it out.
None of the jobs I've applied for have gotten back to me. Well, one did. They said they filled the position. The others haven't responded. I'm gonna guess I don't fit well enough for them. Mom thinks it's something in my resume. Dad thinks it's my facebook. Who really knows. But I need a better job for my princess. I need a better future for her. Mommy is trying, Amelia. I love you.

October 8th, 2016

Mia got into day care. She will be starting once I get the paper work turned in. Its a very nice day care. We had a meeting there yesterday and I liked it. Unfortunately it was nap time, when we went, so Mia couldn't meet the other kids yet. But, she will soon. And she'll love it, I know it.
Parents are out on a bike trip for the entire weekend. Which means, I'm not doing much. Of course, I'm cleaning up after Mia and the stuff I have to do every day. Other thank that, I'm not doing anything. I don't plan on leaving the house. I was hoping to see Erik this weekend, but I don't think that is going to happen. Oh well. Like I tell him, I'll get over it.
I'm trying to make a better future for Amelia. I've applied to numerous jobs within the past few days. I need to start acting like an adult and a better mother. Me working retail, her not having friends, us still living with my parents, it's just not fair to her. I need to better myself to build a better future for her. I want to find a full time job, an apartment, etc. I really don't know what else to write about, how surprising....

Sept 23, 2016

My birthday was pretty good. Erik made it pretty special. He took me out to see Suicide Squad at the Alamo. Which is a pretty awesome place. I got this Grasshopper shake that was amazing. Thankfully, I now know that two of those shakes actually don't get me drunk. Just a little tipsy. We also stayed at a nice hotel that night. It was so nice to have a night alone. It was my first night without Amelia. Don't get me wrong, I missed my baby, but it was nice to have a night off.
I had a bunch of stuff that I wanted to write about, which is why I started this post. Unfortunately, I lost it all. I completely forgot everything. I guess I'll remember soon. I hope.

September 15, 2016

I started writing this post on the 13th, but didn't finish it due to being a mother and my child wanting her mommy. Included in this post will be what I was originally writing and what I'm actually writing today.

9/13/16:

"Yesterday was Paul Walker's birthday. He would've been 43. I do still miss him. I have that shirt with him on it hanging near my bed. Mom and Dad just got be a Pop! figure of Brian O'Connor. And they also got me one of Jack Sparrow. Amazing birthday present. Speaking of birthday presents, Erik finally told me that we are going to Winchester Friday. Get to go to the Alamo and a hotel. What hotel? No idea. That part is staying a surprise."

9/15/16:

Tomorrow is my birthday!! I think I'm more excited to go out with Erik than anything else. I'm not exactly ready for a night without Mia though. I'm going to miss my princess. But, she's almost 18 months old and this will be the first time I get a "break" so I need to relax.

This past week, I worked at 5am every day. I am exhausted. Mia hasn't been napping much. She'll sleep for a half hour and then be wide awake. Though, she has been sleeping in until 8am. We've, also, been going to be around 7:30pm every night. It helps me be more awake for work and such, but I'm ready for a nap by noon. 

I really don't know what else to write. I had a bunch of stuff the other day but I've forgotten most of it. 

September 6, 2016

Ten days until my birthday. I still don't know what I'm doing. A certain somebody, *Cough Erik Cough* won't tell me. "It's a surprise" he says. I'm too impatient for that crap though. I want to know what we're doing. I know a hotel is involved, and that it is. I miss him, though. It's been a week since we've seen each other. I know that doesn't sound like it's been that long, but this is the longest we have gone. Doesn't help that we are both sick today, one of the only days we both have off. Though, I only work until 10am tomorrow, and he's off, so there's a chance. Maybe. We'll see. I need to see him soon, I keep having nightmares of him leaving me. One dream was that he cheated on me with someone at comicon and the other was that he started distancing himself and broke up with me. Mom says it's because I'm insecure, she's probably right, sadly.
Mia had a cold a few days ago and wouldn't sleep. One night, I had two hours of sleep. The next night I had 30 minutes, and the last night I had maybe four hours. She's doing a little better now. Her nose is still really runny, but no fever or anything anymore. She's still grumpy, of course, but that's not surprising. She's sleeping better, too. So that helps. She still has to have some medicine so that she can sleep. But, that's easy. We have a humidifier which is helping both of us. It's also helping with my allergies. Thankfully.
I don't think there is really anything else to talk about at the moment...

August 30, 2016

I'm sorry it's been over a month. Not much has really happened. Erik and I are still together and going strong. Which is impressive for me. At just 4 months, he is my longest relationship. Normally, I've gotten sick of the guy by 3 months. But I really do just love Erik.
A few days ago, I got an allergy test. I am, in fact, allergic to eggs. So allergic that I was told I won't have eggs again. Stuff made with eggs doesn't give me that bad of a reaction, but I was told I should avoid that stuff, too. I'm, also, allergic to dust, grass, hay, dogs, cats, dander, and I think that's it. We know allergies are typically passed down to children, but so far Mia is okay with all that. She hasn't shown any signs of allergies.
Speaking of Mia, she's still not talking. But she does still scream. A lot. All the time. We're thinking it's because she doesn't know how to express herself otherwise. She has an appointment on 9/22 and I'm hoping they can tell us why she isn't talking and why she's screaming. I'm sure she has some form of Autism. Hell, we all know she does. Hopefully, her new doctor will be able to tell us.
Last thing, 17 days until my birthday. I'm not so excited for it being my birthday as I am that Erik is planning something. What is he planning? I have absolutely no idea. I know it involves a hotel. And I know my parents agreed to keep Mia that night. (I get to sleep!) But, besides all that, I have no idea what is going to go on for my birthday. I guess we'll see.

July 28th, 2016

Second day in a row, weird. I just had a few things that I needed to write about that have been bugging me. Now, anyone who knows me, knows I am a firm believer in "everything happens for a reason". But, frankly, sometimes that reason really sucks. There are things that happen that I'm still not sure the reason for. Religions even believe in this. Like, Christians believe that their God does certain things for who knows what reason. And Wiccans believe in Karma. Not exactly sure what other religions believe, though. Either way, what is the reasoning behind half the crap that happens. Like, are you not meant to be happy? What did you do to deserve the crap that happens. Staying up late trying not to cry better be because something awesome is going to happen. Now, there are times where I sit there and think how I'm just not meant to be happy because when I am, something always happens. But, then I look at Amelia. Just sitting there, happy as can be. I then realize that she is my happiness. She is my light. If I have to cry myself to sleep at night, at least I know I'll smile during the day when she is around. Nothing beats watching my little goof ball dance to songs on the Despicable Me movies. Maybe, she is the reason for all my bad moments. I can appreciate having her around even more.
The second topic I wanted to mention is that I never really noticed how insecure I was. I constantly question everything. "Am I a good mom?" "Am I a good girlfriend?" "Am I a good daughter, sister, aunt, etc." There are many more, but I don't think they need to be listed. Though, there is one that always gets me and I have to get reassurance a little too often... "Does he really like me?" I'm sure Erik gets really annoyed with me asking that all the time, but looking at my past relationships, can you really blame me. Though, he is the best boy friend I've ever had. He knows it, too. Fortunately, he knows exactly how to react to those moods and knows exactly what to say. I just wish those darn moods could stop. For everyone's sake. It can't be easy dealing with someone who is always disappointed in themselves and has such little confidence. I really try to be better though. Maybe, since I have money to afford it, I should go see my therapist again... She would probably have a field day with how I've been lately. But that's also why I have this blog. It's supposed to be therapeutic to write down your thoughts and feelings, right? But, then you get worried that the wrong person may see what you write and you panic, but then you think, f#@k it.
I think that is about it for my rant. Thank you to those who read this. Especially those people in France. Not sure who you are, but thank you!

July 27, 2016

Yesterday, I went out to lunch with my best friend, Lyndsey, and her son, Orion. Obviously, Amelia was with me. Anyway, we went to Bob Evans out in Martinsburg. The food originally tasted really good. I had gotten steak and eggs with home fries and a sweet tea. Well, like 3 or 4 bites in, I thought there was egg stuck to my lip. Little did I know, it was actually the beginning of an allergic reaction. The left side of my lip had started to swell. Then after a few more bites, my throat started to hurt and feel like it was swelling. I just thought I was getting sick. Nope. I should've stopped eating right then. The food tasted so good though, and I was so hungry. After taking Lyndsey and Orion home, Amelia and I went home. Mom instantly commented on it. She could tell my lips were swollen and said my eyes we blood shot. Like I was "blazing" as Michaila would say. I took a benadryl and then Amelia and I went to our room while Michaila and Mom went to an appointment. Mia watched Despicable Me while I tried to rest. Then Erik came over and just relaxed with me. Around 2:30, Mom and Michaila came back home and said my eye was swollen. It felt dry to me, but I didn't think it was swollen. And, of course, my adorable boyfriend never pointed it out. I don't like he ever realized it. Anyway, after that I had to go to Urgent Care. They told me it was most likely an allergy to eggs or hopefully, just the restaurant itself. They then gave me a shot to stop the reaction and an EpiPen in case it happens again. After all that, I was pretty much useless. I laid down the rest of the day. I didn't have the energy to do anything at all. The shot or something even gave me a horrible headache, so that didn't really help much. And now, I'm afraid to eat anything. Anyway, fast forward to today and my eye is still slightly swollen and it feels like my throat is swollen. Thankfully, I had someone cover my shift today because I don't think I would have been able to make it. Guess we'll see what the rest of the day brings.

July 21, 2016

I'm sorry I keep taking forever to write. I can't say that it's because things haven't happened, they have. I just don't get to write much. I'm either working, taking care of Mia, or with Erik. Work is actually going really well, lately. I'm getting more hours which is really nice. Especially, since I can afford bills now. And it helps with saving money to get a place with Erik. And to get a new tattoo. Which we all know I need. It'll be something for Mia. I should start planning that. Something with an elephant, obviously. Hopefully, I'll have it by Christmas. Especially, if my paychecks stay like they are. I'm trying to get this full time position at work and that would help so very much with everything. Though, that would probably mess with my WIC and EBT benefits.
Next topic, the munchkin child. She just turned 16 months yesterday. My little princess is getting so big. I don't like it. She's relaxing in her high chair watching an NKOTBSB concert. She loves them. It's absolutely adorable. Though, she doesn't like when I serenade her using them.
Last topic. Erik and I went to the Bavarian for dinner the other night. It was amazing. Mainly because I was with him. I've never been taken on a fancy, romantic date like that before. He's absolutely amazing and he makes me so very happy. I love him, so much. And I know, you're reading this, babe. It's true. Though, I tell you how much I love you all the time.
I think that's it for now.

Independence Day, 2016

Happy Fourth of July to everyone. Sorry it has been so long since I've last posted. I haven't had very much to write about and I've just had issues having time. There have been a few times I could have written, but I took those times to "relax" as much as a mother of a 15 month old can. Anyway, things have been relatively good. Nothing to really complain about. Mia has been sick off and on a few times. Lyndsey had her daughter and is now up here visiting. Erik and Michaila just got back from Texas this morning. They went there for a convention called RTX. It's for this, I guess, corporation called Rooster Teeth. Pretty much people who play video games would be the best way to describe it. They were pretty excited about it. As you can tell, Erik and I are still doing pretty well. I really really like him. Actually, let me rephrase that, I love that boy. Like I said, nothing exciting has happened for me, really. It's actually quite upsetting. I'm supposed to have a "Mommy, Daughter, Daughter, GrandDaughter" trip eventually. I believe we're going to the beach. Just don't know what beach. We'll figure it out eventually.
I'm guessing that is really about it. I hope everyone has a fantastic Fourth of July!

June 8, 2016

For those of you who know, a beloved teacher from high school was found deceased this morning. Everyone adored this man. Even the students who didn't have him as a teacher, like myself. This man, G., had impacted everyone's life. Especially, his students, including my sister. I'm not entirely sure why this happened, but I know it happened for a reason. I just hope that G is happier where he is now and no longer in any pain.
I just want people to know, that even if it seems like the only solution, suicide isn't the answer. It may seem like an easy way out but it's not. It just passes the pain off to someone else. In this case, it passed it off to his family, friends, and students. Again, at least G is no longer in pain. Wherever he ended up, I'm sure he's jamming out to Pearl Jam and is watching out for everyone. RIP G. You will be missed.

May 25, 2016

It has been two weeks since I've last posted. I'm sorry. I can't even say I've been busy. Just lazy. And didn't know what to write about. One thing is that Mia has been having horrible separation anxiety. She doesn't even like when I go into another room. I can't even go pee without her freaking out. And then she's had some nasty diarrhea the past couple days. She's, also, cutting 4 teeth at once. My poor baby just hasn't been having any good days lately.
For those that care about my relationship that's been going on. It's great. Tomorrow we'll have been together for a month. Though, it seems like it has been much longer. Which I'm okay with. I really really like him. And he gets along with Mia wonderfully and you can tell she adores him. I like spending time with him, and so does Mia. I love that he is okay with me having a child. Though, he kinda has to be, really. Either way, Erik is pretty awesome and I'm so lucky to be able to call him my boyfriend.
That's pretty much it for right now. Like I said, not much has happened.

Happy Birthday, Daddy!

Today is my dad's 44th birthday. Thanks to me having strep throat and mom having the flu, he decided to actually go to work. That's good though. That means I can work on his surprise. I'm thinking of making him a cake. Sadly, I don't know what his favorite type of cake is. Or if he even has a favorite. I'd say I'd get him a gift, but I don't have any money for that. So, that's a no go. I plan to take Michaila to the store with me to at least get him a card. Even though, I'm not supposed to go out in public for 24 hours after starting my antibiotic for Strep. Though, if I just don't breathe on anyone, it should be okay, right? Probably not, but who really cares. If I get you sick, I'm sorry.
So, as most of you know, my niece, Mackenzie, spent the week with us while her parents were in Texas. I don't know how they can handle that child. She doesn't stop talking. Don't get me wrong, I love that child, but wow. She can talk and talk and talk. I had to leave the house a few times just to calm myself down. Thankfully, I have an amazing boyfriend who came to save me a few times. I think Kenzie is how I got sick. She was complaining about a sore throat, she had a fever, and was throwing up. All common signs of strep for a 4 year old. Either that, or that's how mom got the flu. I could've gotten strep throat from work, knowing my luck. Though, it doesn't hurt right now. I'm actually drinking coffee for the first time in a few days and it tastes so good.
Now, about Mia. The reason for this blog. She is an evil little munchkin with way too much energy. She's still not walking, unfortunately. She has taken a few steps before, like a month ago, but nothing since. When anyone tries to hold her hands and get her to walk, she gets too excited and just starts jumping. She does "walk" around her baby jail, but that's about it. She holds on to the side when she does that, so it doesn't completely count yet. But, she's getting there.

May the fourth be with you.

Yes, I'm a Star Wars nerd. I'm okay with it. Anyway, we have my niece for the week. She got here Monday evening. It's been a very long day and a half so far. VERY LONG. Only like 5 more days to go. On the bright side, it has helped me make a decision that I do not want anymore kids. One is okay. At least, Mia is okay. Unfortunately, my boyfriend wants 3 to 4 kids. That ain't happening. Maybe. Like 10 years from now. Who knows. And, yes, you read that right, I said boyfriend. Surprising, right? A guy who can actually deal with me and not want to kill me. And, he's okay with me having Mia. He actually likes her. She kinda likes him. The jury is still out on that one.
I thought I had more to write about, but I guess not. Though, I'm guessing I'm a bad mom. Mia took the ribbon off her overalls and keeps trying to wrap it around her neck... Thanks sweetheart. Mommy loves you, too. I'll write tomorrow after my psychiatrist appointment and date. Mia will be with us, too! It'll be interesting.

April 27, 2016

Amelia has been sick again. She had a fever again. About 101.8 under the arm. She seems to be feeling better, though. Hasn't been complaining or anything. She does have this cough that sounds horrible, like its mucousy. She kept gagging and stuff throughout the night. I felt bad for her. She'll just keep getting medicine, I guess. There is only so much that I can do to help her. She seems to be in a good mood, this morning. Even slept in until 9AM which I needed after I went on a hiking date.
The hiking date was great. Best date I've ever been on. Then again, really haven't gone on any proper dates. Went hiking in Harpers Ferry and then sat by the river for a bit. It was really relaxing. Mom even kept Mia so I could go. It was really nice. That's pretty much it.

April 23, 2015

There are so many things going on, and yer I have no idea what to talk about. Amelia took her first steps yesterday. I was quite proud but also really upset. She doesn't need to be growing up. She needs to stay my baby forever and ever. Though, it would be nice to be able to hold her hand and walk rather than always having to carry her. Especially after going to the zoo. It would be really helpful to not have to push that stupid stroller everywhere. She probably would've enjoyed it more if she could've gotten out of the stroller and walked up to the cages and such. Though, she did have some fun, anyway. She loved being able to pet the goats and a miniature donkey. I loved watching her face when she would look at the animals. Unfortunately, I didn't get to see the one animal I really wanted. The reason I picked the Maryland Zoo in Baltimore instead of the National Zoo. That being the Dik Dik. But, NOOOOOO. They weren't out. I didn't get to see my Dik Dik. That's all I wanted. They look so adorable. I'll be posting photos eventually. They're all on my phone. I've just been way too lazy.

Appointment

I got a psychiatrist appointment set for tomorrow, Monday at 1. Hopefully, this will get me a little closer to getting properly diagnosed. She told me that before my appointment, I need to make a list of symptoms/reasons I think I have Asperger's. I've taken two online tests to see what they say. One I had a score of 47 and the other 49. Both of these results meant that there is a likelihood of Asperger's. Granted we knew this, but I was hoping it would say more. I can't really think of any symptoms. I know the lack of eye contact. I know about the not learning to talk until about 4 and then being in speech therapy until 5th grade. Then there is the closeness with my mom. There is the lack of friends. Don't understand jokes. Anything and everything sexual is disgusting. I, apparently, make horrible life decisions. I don't know what else. Which is why I'm making this post. I'm hoping the people who read this can help. I know a few of you (Daddy, D2 and Santa) will be able to answer this the best. It doesn't matter if you comment on here or Facebook or message me. But, please, just let me know what you think. And, of course, I'll be giving the Doctor the link to this blog.

Storm

Two years ago, I lost my best friend. I had to put Storm down. It was a really hard day for me. My parents were on vacation in Florida and a family friend went with me because I wouldn't be able to go alone. I still remember going to the animal shelter in Frederick and picking him out. Coincidentally, our neighbors at the time adopted his brother. He would've loved Mia. He was so good with kids. I really do miss him. I can't believe it's already been two years. He was only 13. Granted, that is old for a big dog. Husky/Lab mix. Absolutely beautiful. And just a good boy. Oh, look, tears. I remember this one time where there was an earth quake near by and Mom, Michaila, and I all thought that Storm was leaning up against where we were sitting and scratching. We were all on different seats. Mom was on the chair, Michaila was on the love seat, and I was on the couch. I love you, baby boy. Always will.

April 13, 2016

There really isn't much that I want to talk about except for one major thing. Why do I always like the guys that are already in relationships. Mom says it's because I'm afraid of commitment and they can't really do anything if they're with someone else. But then, I feel really bad about it. But then it's fun. It's not like I do anything. It's just flirting and talking. I can handle that, but when they don't even want the other person to know that you even talk. Then, I start feeling guilty. Do I really have to though? Like, do I have anything to be feeling guilty about? I guess flirting is pretty bad. Not like I'm going to go off and have sex with them. I just, honestly, like the attention. Then again, who doesn't?
Only other thing, I finally contacted a psychiatrist. I just have to wait for the intake forms to be received before I get an appointment. Then I can finally get diagnosed with Asperger's, correctly. Not this "Oh, you have it, but not on paper" crap.
That's it for today.

April 4, 2016

Few things to go over today. First, it's National Autism Awareness Month. As someone with Autism, I appreciate this month. It's nice knowing that a lot of people are taking their time to learn about this. Granted, I think people should try to learn about Autism everyday, but I'll remain grateful that there is a least a month dedicated to Autism. As you know, I have Asperger's Syndrome. This is pretty much a social thing. It explains why I don't like being around people, why I don't have a "filter", and why I don't understand jokes or anything really. It, also, explains why I was delayed in my childhood. Unfortunately, it looks like Amelia is going to be in the same boat as her mama. Thankfully, since I've gone through it, we'll be able to manage hers a little better. I still need to get properly diagnosed, and I need to get Amelia seen. I know she's too young still, but talking to someone will help figure out if she needs tested later. I would say "better late than never" but in this case, I'd rather not wait. Early diagnosis could help so much.
Speaking of Amelia... Hand, foot, and mouth disease. She was diagnosed with that last Thursday, March 31. My poor baby. It isn't fun. Thankfully, she's doing better. She had a few fevers. The highest was 102.8 under the arm. She had all these little bumps that almost looked like pimples, but weren't. Apparently, that is a part of Hand, Foot, and Mouth. It's, also, very contagious. I had gotten it, but it didn't last too long. Really only a day and a half. Since she was feeling better, Grandma gave her some blackberries. She loved them.

I finally got some painting done. It was helping me destress. I keep feeling bad that Mia won't know her father. I know its best for her, but as her mother, I feel bad. She should have two parents that love her. But this man child thing, wouldn't make her life much better. Besides, as selfish as it is, I wouldn't be happy at all, which would affect Mia. The way he is, he wouldn't be able to do anything to help with a child. I noticed I keep saying he, even though I'm not 100% sure as to who her father is. It's either Ding Bat or DoucheNozzle. Yeah, that's what I refer to them as. They're great people... NOT. Anyway, neither one would be very good for her. I know, who am I to decide if her father should be around, but I am her mother. I have always been there for her, and I always will. Neither of those guys were good to me or nice really. One was abusive and one was degrading. Called me names and things, so no. Neither are good enough to be around my daughter. But, I do want to be able to find her a father figure. I don't mean my dad, or mom. I want to be able to look at her and tell her that this man is her father. Be able to have Mommy, Daddy, and baby. Everyone keeps telling me I have to at least try to find someone and not just sit and wait. I need to actually work at it. But then I'm told "you'll find love when you aren't looking" so I don't look.. "You need to look and try to find someone." I've even checked out dating sites, but I'm not going to pay an arm and a leg to find someone. Why can't it free. Maybe I should start finding single parent play date thing and get her friends and get friends for me. 

March 30, 2016

I hate when I get in these moods where I really want to post something but I have no idea what to write about. I have a list of a few things that I wanted to write about, but none of them sounded good at the moment. I had only four things on my list though. There was favoritism (in the workplace), my crappy taste in guys, marriage, and wanting to be wanted. Pretty much nothing good to write about. I'll just write about what people care about, aka my munchkin.
Amelia still isn't feeling well. I know the doctor said that it was teething, but when I talked to other parents, they said their kids didn't act like that. I know Amelia's doctor really sucks. She really doesn't know what she's talking about. But, now, Amelia has had a stuffy/clogged nose every day for about a week. My poor baby. She keeps running a fever, too. She gets medicine every time, but it doesn't really help much. I guess we'll figure it out soon.
In other news, Junior went to the vet today. He has had this nasty sore on his leg that he keeps chewing open. We've tried to take care of it ourselves, but he wouldn't let us. They determined that it was something like when people bite their nails. He has some medicine that should help. Guess we'll see.

Happy First Birthday, Amelia!

Happy Birthday, to you! Happy Birthday, to you! Happy Birthday, dear Amelia. Happy Birthday, to you!
I can't believe it's been a year since you made my life whole. You become more and more perfect as each day passes. I couldn't ask for a better daughter. I love you more than you'll ever know.
A year ago, you were in NICU. You had a breathing tube and a feeding tube. When you were born, the umbilical cord was wrapped around your neck. You weren't supposed to make it. Then again, neither was I. Now look at us. A year later and we're both here. You are the greatest thing to ever happen to me. You are truly Mommy's little miracle.

Happy Birthday, my perfect little angel. Mommy loves you.
Unfortunately, I tried to post this yesterday, but the app on my phone decided it didn't want to work. It's just a day late. Doesn't change anything except the date this was posted.
(written 3/21) Amelia has a doctors appointment today for her one year check up. Sadly, that means shots. But, after that, Mommy is going to get her a milkshake. I think that'll be a nice reward. Besides the fact that she knows how to use a straw, but only will with a milkshake, so I'm going to trick her by putting the milkshake in one of her cups.
Oh, presents... Her Aunt Lyndsey got her some clothes and this adorable little dog toy that sings. Her Aunt Holly got her some clothes, one of which she has already worn. Mommy got her a Lion Piano and the Bounce and Ride Elephant. Nom-Nom(grandma) and Pop Pop(grandpa) got her a block set and this Fisher-Price Bright Beats thing. She absolutely LOVES it. Lastly, Aunt Nikki and Uncle TJ, also, got her a Bounce and Ride Elephant. Looks like we have a back up in case she breaks the first one. That's all for today. We'll see how much she has grown and I'll post it later.

March 19, 2016

No. No. No. My baby is not turning 1 tomorrow. This is not okay. She's supposed to stay my baby forever. She's supposed to need her mommy forever. If she starts growing up, she won't. I guess it's going to happen regardless, though. Unfortunately, they started calling for snow, so I can't take Amelia to the zoo tomorrow. Thankfully, she didn't understand/know what we were planning so it's not like she'll be upset over it. Instead, we're just baking a cake.  Chocolate cake with hot pink icing. I think that'll work pretty well. Guess we'll see. I'll post tomorrow after she gets presents.

March 14, 2016

Less than a week until my baby turns one. I don't think I'll be able to handle this. What happened to staying my baby forever? I guess one isn't so bad. Its when she gets older than that. Thankfully, it's only the first year that goes by really quickly. I'm hoping the rest of the time will go a little slower.
So, little miss Amelia has really started becoming a bad little baby. She no longer listens to me, like she used to. And now she does this pinching thing. She pinches as hard as she can. She also bites. When I'm nursing. Imagine that. Breastfeeding and then you get bit. She keeps doing it to the point of blood. Sadly, correcting it isn't working. I'll yell "Ouch" and "ow" and she just smiles and laughs. Then she'll do it again. No matter how many times I yell, she just smiles and laughs. My child is evil. I mean, she knows when it hurts and she just laughs about it. If anyone reads this who breastfeeds, please, give me some advice. I don't want to stop breastfeeding, but I can't handle the biting.
Something that doesn't deal with the munchkin or Asperger's. The time change. Does everyone have the time change? You know, Daylight Savings? Like does Canada do daylight savings? Mexico? England? Australia? I know this is stuff I should've learned in school, but let's face it. It's been almost 6 years, like I remember?
Also, lastly, I've been applying to some new jobs. I've applied for a bank teller job, an admin assistant job, and a kennel worker job. The kennel worker job would be taking care of all the animals and cleaning up and being like a receptionist. That would be absolutely amazing for me. But then the issue becomes, I'd want to bring home all the animals. Guess we'll see what happens.

One day

I constantly think of my future lately. I'm not sure if it's because Amelia is getting older or because I am and I feel like time is running out. I keep getting told "go live your life", "you're too young to not have a life", "go out and meet someone, make some friends", "you're too pretty to be single", "don't worry, you'll find a guy soon"... for awhile, I really didn't listen. I'm 23. I've got the love of my life, my daughter. I've got a job. I've got a wonderful family. And I have a roof over my head. I don't need anything else. I don't need to go make friends. I don't need to meet some guy. There is more to life than being pretty. But, you know what.  I should take some of that advice. I don't do anything besides go to work or be home with Amelia. I only have a handful of friends. Amelia needs a father. And I actually am pretty, but smart, too! I have no idea what brought all this on. Maybe it's that I keep having dreams about getting married. Maybe it's that my best friend is getting ready to move into this beautiful house with her husband and son. Maybe it's that I want to stop feeling like a burden on my family. Who knows. Whatever it is, I'm okay with it. Maybe I'm actually growing up, it was bound to happen eventually, right? My only problem with all this, I don't like failure. With my track record, I'm never going to get married. I'm not going to move into my own beautiful house. Mia won't get a father. I tell everyone else that they need to have a positive outlook on their life, but no matter how hard I try, I just see everything I'm up against and very depressed. Think about it. I have Asperger's. I'm a single mom. I work in retail. No college. Never goes out unless it's work. It's just not going to happen. This post started off so good, but as I was typing, my thoughts just started coming. I know what I want in life, I just need to make it happen.

March 6, 2016

I can't believe it's already March. I don't like it. Only 2 weeks until my baby turns 1. This year flew by a little too quickly. Everyone said it would, but I was really hoping it wouldn't. She's supposed to stay my baby forever. Though, according to the people at WIC, she'll be little forever. She's in the 21st percentile for height. We knew she was doomed from the start. I mean, hello, have you seen me?!
We changed plans for her birthday. Still the zoo, but now the Baltimore zoo. They have a little more than the National Zoo. The only down side to the Baltimore Zoo is that it costs $18 per person. But, I heard that the National Zoo makes you pay $25 for parking. The Baltimore Zoo has free parking. I, also, got Amelia and I new outfits to wear to the Zoo. We both have Elephant dresses. It'll be cute. And, the best part of the Baltimore Zoo... They have a Dik-Dik!!! I've always wanted to see one.
I'm thinking of either doing the Adopt an Animal or the Breakfast with Animals for Amelia. The adoption is $75 and I can get immediately, and it includes 2 tickets and a stuffed animal. The Breakfast isn't until September and costs $65. But, you get a once in a lifetime experience. I don't think you can pet the animal or get that close to them. Decisions, decisions. I guess I have time to figure it out.
They're calling for rain the day we go to the zoo and the temperature, for Harpers Ferry, is 59 degrees. I think it's going to be about the same in Baltimore as well. Oh well. A little rain won't hurt. It also says that it's is morning showers. Hopefully, it'll stop raining by the time we get there. Guess we'll find out.

2/27/16

I can't believe February is almost over. This year is already going by quickly. Less than a month and my baby turns one. I guess that's why time is going so quick, I'm really not looking forward to it, and they say that's what makes time go quickly. Though, I'm pretty excited to take her to the zoo for her birthday. I think she'll like it. Especially the elephants. I know mom wants to see the Pandas. Oh, if you couldn't tell, we're going to go to the National Zoo. They have an animal all of us would like to see. And they have a little petting zoo, it's farm animals, but it still counts!
Anyway, my poor baby is sick. She started getting sick Thursday night. Tugging at her ears, fever, sniffling. We thought it was an ear infection. So, I took her to Urgent Care yesterday. They said it was "just a cold" and that her ears are "perfect" so no ear infection. I guess that's a good thing.They gave me information on Upper Respiratory Infection, though, so I'm not really sure. She had a fever again last night, but right now, she seems fine. Maybe a little tired. It should be about nap time for her. She has been up since about 8 AM.
I don't think there is really much else that needs to be mentioned. Oh! I bought her a ball pit. It was supposed to be a birthday present, but she got it early. And, I forgot to mention, we're out of chickens. Sadly, all of them were killed. It's going to be awhile until we get any more. I decided against getting my own. There were other things I could use my money for. Like buying my daughter anything and everything she wants. 

February 21, 2016

My little baby turned 11 months old yesterday. She's getting so big, I really do not like it. What happened to staying my little baby forever? We did finally decide what we're going to do for her birthday, even though my dad thinks it's pointless. But, we're (mom and I) are going to take her to the National Zoo to see the elephants. My mom wants to see the Pandas, so there's that, too. I just want to go to the zoo. I don't care what I see, I like animals.
We went shopping yesterday at Columbia mall, because I got my tax money back. Mia made out the best. She got so many new clothes. Spent about $150 on her and about $100 on myself. A lot less than I had budgeted, which is pretty awesome.
I do still need to go to Target to stock up on diapers and formula. Maybe, I'll get more clothes for me. I need a pair of skinny jeans and boots and more shirts. I didn't get any shirts I could wear to work. I got crop tops and you can't really wear those at work. I mean, I could, with a jacket over it, but that's not what you are supposed to do with crop tops.
Lyndsey gets here today. Yay! We get to have a Mexican date soon. The only time I really go to get tacos is with her. It's like our thing. Though, I do get Taco Bell while she's gone. But, that's not really Mexican food. I'm not entirely sure what it is.

Decision

I've finally made a decision that will effect the rest of my life and Amelia's. Now, I've previously stated that my mom and I will be starting a craft business, this will not effect that at all. It may actually help it out some. So, what's this decision I've made? I am going to start working on opening that animal sanctuary that I've wanted. If you know me, you know how that has been one of my biggest dreams, next to having a child. I've got my child, but not my dream business. There is no better time to work on a dream than now. Like Shia Labeouf said, "Just Do It"

So, I think I'm going to learn about creating a business and everything I need to do this. Thankfully, my mom has a business degree and I'm sure she would love to help. Let's see. I need a business plan, location, name, employees, everything really. Maybe I'll have it up and running within the next five to ten years. I hope so. If you have any advice or anything, please let me know.

January 28, 2016

I HATE SNOW! Just thought I should get that out of the way. Snow sucks. Cold sucks. I want somewhere that is always warm. Something that is like a constant spring/summer. I am just not a fan of cold. I feel like I can't really take Mia out in it. I don't want to get her sick due to cold. Speaking of Mia, she's now ten months old. She's so close to being a year old, I DON'T LIKE IT! I don't even know what I'm going to do for her birthday. I know something small, with just family and close friends. I know I want to fill her "baby jail" with those plastic balls to make a ball pit, but besides that, I've got nothing. Like, where do I have it? The house isn't an option. I thought of Chuckee Cheese, but I don't know. If anyone has any ideas, please let me know. If only I could just hire One Direction to come sing to her. That would make her day. I mean, to get her in a good mood, I just play their music videos. Which is what I'm doing now!
I was debating posting anything about the following to subjects, but I'm going to. The first one, so there's this guy. He is a pain in the arse, but I like him. He knows who he is. Now, I'm not going to say anything else because I have a habit of jinxing things.
Last thing, hopefully my sister doesn't read this because she'll have a fit. And to anyone else who reads this and it pisses you off, I'm sorry. These are just my thoughts. So, why is it wrong that no one of color is nominated in the Oscars, but they get the BET awards. White people don't have any special thing for them. But, just because certain people weren't nominated in the Oscars, now they want to boycott them. It doesn't make sense. And it's pretty racist, but supposedly, they can't be racist. I just don't get it. Then there is this one issue my sister and I keep arguing over. Dr. Strange was originally African-American in the comics, but they have Benedict Cumberbatch playing him in the movie and it's apparently wrong and considered "whiting out" the character, but they just did the same thing with Annie and Dorothy from Wizard of Oz, but that's okay? I guess my point is, why is one okay and the other isn't? I'm sorry if this upsets anyone, it wasn't my intent.

January 12, 2016

First off, happy birthday, Trinity!
Today Amelia had a good doctor's appointment. She weighs 18 pounds and 10 ounces and is 27 inches tall. Pretty soon, she's going to be taller than her mommy. Thankfully, no shots today, like I thought. Supposedly, she's doing things a normal 9 month old child should be doing,but I don't 100% trust that doctor, so I'm not sure. Guess we'll find out more,
Now, for the other topic. Do you ever just feel like you can't do anything right? Like no matter how hard you try, you can screw everything up so easily, so quickly. Not even entirely sure what you did but you know you must've done something. Then you get all upset thinking you messed up but others say you didn't but you just feel like you did? That's how I've been lately. Yes, I've got Amelia, but I'm pretty sure I'm screwing up with her, too. Why else would a mother be single, living with her patents, can't afford anything without her parents, and constantly think she's screwing up? It can't be normal. Then there's relationships. Screw that up, too. Worst part is when you're not even dating someone and you mess it up. Say something as a joke and it's not taken as such then it's a bunch of awkwardness and you just wanting to hide under a rock. Apparently, all those stupid online quizzes were right, I'm going to be single for the rest of my life. Sorry Mia, no siblings for you apparently. On the plus side, I think my job is going well. As of now. Who knows, I'll probably find a way to screw that up, too. And no, this isn't supposed to be some pity path for Amanda. This is more like a public, online diary for me. (And a way I can just tell my future therapist what's wrong.) Anyway, maybe one day I can stop being so stupid and sabotaging my happiness. Actually, I'd probably win the lottery before that happened.

January 10, 2016

You know what's weird? Life. I was sitting and thinking about how much things can change in a few years. Even the tiniest little things can change. My biggest thing is how I always said I wouldn't have sex until I was married. Now look at me, I'm a single mother. At one time, I said how I regret meeting Amelia's father, but truth is, I don't. If it weren't for him, I wouldn't have my perfect little princess. Don't get me wrong, I wish I waited longer, and I wish it happened with a different guy, but then I wouldn't have the Amelia that I have now. It's really strange to think about certain aspects of your life. If I went to college, I wouldn't have worked at Roy Rogers, Victoria's Secret, Ryan's Buffet, or even Tractor Supply. Things would be so different. I wouldn't have met some awesome people. I wouldn't have met some horrible people. I wouldn't be who I am today. Granted, I don't know what type of person I'd be. I could have a husband, could be a cop, could be rich, I don't know. Frankly, I don't care, because I wouldn't have Amelia and she's more important than anything else in the world.
Second thing on my mind. The Powerball. Now, we know the chances of any of us winning ate very slim, but I know we've all thought of what we'd spend it on, and I'm going to tell you my plans. First, donate a bunch to charity, specifically ROWW and ASPCA. Second, pay off my parents bills; cars, house, student loans, etc. Then, get a new house on a private island. Get my dream car, a '69 Charger. Pay off my sister's college. Get my craft business started. And of course, share some with those close to me. And set some aside for Mia, of course. What would you do if you won?

January 5, 2016

Sorry for the delay, but HAPPY NEW YEARS! Not much has happened since I last wrote. Amelia had her first New Years, though we were both in bed by 8:30 that night. Sadly, that's staying up late for us. Who knew motherhood changed you that much. My baby is getting so big, I don't like it. She's getting the motions for crawling down like she should, but still no actual crawling. She's so close though! She just needs to stay Mommy's little baby forever and ever. She has her nine month old appointment coming up on the 12th, which is also Trinity's seventh birthday. My first niece is getting so big. And Kenzie just turned 4 on the third! In a little over two months, my baby turns one. I need to start thinking about her first birthday party. I have no ideas yet though. I know it's going to be something simple and just with family. Besides that, I've got nothing.
There has been something wrong with my wrist for about a week now, I got it checked out today. It's tendonitis. What caused this? Overusing it. How does that even happen? You have to be skilled for that to happen. Now, I have to wear a brace for the next 10 days and hope that it helps. I guess we'll just see what happens.




Mia wants to say hi...:
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