January 12, 2016

First off, happy birthday, Trinity!
Today Amelia had a good doctor's appointment. She weighs 18 pounds and 10 ounces and is 27 inches tall. Pretty soon, she's going to be taller than her mommy. Thankfully, no shots today, like I thought. Supposedly, she's doing things a normal 9 month old child should be doing,but I don't 100% trust that doctor, so I'm not sure. Guess we'll find out more,
Now, for the other topic. Do you ever just feel like you can't do anything right? Like no matter how hard you try, you can screw everything up so easily, so quickly. Not even entirely sure what you did but you know you must've done something. Then you get all upset thinking you messed up but others say you didn't but you just feel like you did? That's how I've been lately. Yes, I've got Amelia, but I'm pretty sure I'm screwing up with her, too. Why else would a mother be single, living with her patents, can't afford anything without her parents, and constantly think she's screwing up? It can't be normal. Then there's relationships. Screw that up, too. Worst part is when you're not even dating someone and you mess it up. Say something as a joke and it's not taken as such then it's a bunch of awkwardness and you just wanting to hide under a rock. Apparently, all those stupid online quizzes were right, I'm going to be single for the rest of my life. Sorry Mia, no siblings for you apparently. On the plus side, I think my job is going well. As of now. Who knows, I'll probably find a way to screw that up, too. And no, this isn't supposed to be some pity path for Amanda. This is more like a public, online diary for me. (And a way I can just tell my future therapist what's wrong.) Anyway, maybe one day I can stop being so stupid and sabotaging my happiness. Actually, I'd probably win the lottery before that happened.