Asperger's and the single mom

First, I want it to be known that I came up with the title for this post before even deciding to make a post and what to say in it.
I'm sure a lot of you are sick of me complaining about my life and (lack of) love life. But guess what, I'm sort of doing that in this post too. No, don't stop reading, hear me out. The reason I'm getting impatient with all this is when I was diagnosed with Asperger's syndrome my mom and I were both told, by 2 different therapist, that I will never live alone. I will never be able to function correctly without someone there. It will only be if I find someone who is willing to help, constantly. They said either a sibling, parent, or spouse. They said to not even think of a friend, that they wouldn't be able to commit like I need them to. I tried to live with a friend once and look how well that turned out, I got pregnant. I figure, at 26, my parents shouldn't have to be the ones responsible for me. I actually think I'm phrasing this all incorrectly. So, I can't exactly function like a normal person. I have more breakdowns than normal people. I have my "your Asperger's is showing" days, I forget things, I need my routines, etc. I could go days without eating if I didn't have reminders. I have my routines built around each shift at work. What I do is a routine. I can handle some changes, but only if I prepare for them. But, those random things that aren't accounted for, that's what gets me. One day, I called my mom and completely broke down in tears because someone filled out a paper that I normally do; but I can make an adjustment if a dog needs an unexpected bath. That's just at work. Imagine what would happen if I lived on my own with just Mia. It would be a trainwreck. I think it's to the point that I shouldn't be home and cramping my dad's style (yeah, I said that) and get out. But, there is 0 chance of me living with my sisters, so I need the husband. I don't want to live with my parents forever, and I'm sure they don't want me here forever. Maybe it'll happen soon. I can hope, right?

August 14, 2019

Obviously everyone has those days that they really hate themselves and says that they thinks they're amazing. Recently, I've had more of the first type of days, but that's also who I am. It's been brought to my attention by a very good friend that I have a habit of putting myself down and ruining anything that could be good before it happens. That friend thinks I have a fear of being happy because I always get hurt. You know what, I think he's right. Happiness has never been good for me, and I doubt it will be for awhile. First step would be for me to be happy and I don't see that happening anytime soon. But how can I be when I have it in my mind that I need to have certain things to be happy. Like a boyfriend/ husband? Well, more like a father for Amelia. I know she doesn't need one, not all families are the same. But she doesn't understand why her friends have dads and she doesn't. I've been told that I'll find love when I stop looking, but how will that happen if I'm either at work or home? Work relationships rarely ever work out for people, besides the fact that I look like the complete opposite of attractive while I'm at work. I'm always covered in dirt and mud and I'm typically sweaty. No one in their right mind would find that attractive. Now, on the other hand, I've been told that I have to go look for love too. That it's not just going to fall into my lap one day. Maybe I'll join a dating site, but guys on there are always super annoying and want one thing. I'm a single mom with a full time job, they aren't getting that one thing. I feel like I'm always complaining about my lack of love life and for that, I apologize. It's just that I try to find someone I like and then I always ruin it, or worse I find out they're married/ dating. I have horrible luck with love. Maybe I should accept being alone forever.
Anyway, on to happier thoughts. I have really enjoyed this week in myrtle beach. It's been very nice and really needed, but I'm so excited to go back to work. I miss all my doggies. We're going to the aquarium and to dinner tomorrow for mom's birthday, then heading home Friday. Hoping we'll be home by 6, but with 3 kids, I doubt it. We should leave by 8 a.m. and we'll eat lunch in the car, so it shouldn't be too late to return. Then work on Saturday!!! I've been making my favourite dog a bandana from here, I just hope she and her family like it. I swear, being away from Chori is the most difficult part of this week. Not even being away from Luna is this hard. Speaking of Luna, she's doing a doggie sleepover tonight and tomorrow at a kennel while everyone is out of town. I just hope she's doing alright. I'll be sure to call the kennel first thing in the morning to see how she is.

That's it for this post!

Hello, August

I believe I have finally found what I am meant to do with my life. I'm supposed to work with dogs, definitely. I love my job. There are days where I would like to stay longer, and if I could, I would. I don't even think of it as a job. I feel like the drive there and home are worse. That's the work, driving there. And being at the kennel is just something fun to do. I love each of those dogs. It's amazing when the dogs recognize you and get just as excited to see you. There are multiple dogs who come for daycare Monday- Friday. Those are all my babies. Just seeing those tails wag when they first see you can make every bad feeling go away. You're not supposed to have your favorites, but we all do. I try to treat them equally, but there are 3 who have iin between, really. She's my baby though. She could get away with murder. She's not even my dog and when I see dog toys and whatever, I think that she needs them. I've been able to stop myself. But she's still spoiled.
Anyway,  this job has made me think more about my sanctuary center. I know what I want to do and how. It's just the materials and money that I need. One day

Not as much as I thought

Hello people. As most of you know (unless you've been under a rock), I recently got a new job. I have one thing to say about it. I LOVE IT! No, seriously. I love my job. I don't even see it as a job, really. It's just a place I get to go to 5 days a week. It's seriously just amazing. The dogs (and cats) are adorable and I love them all. The only downside is the commute. Takes an hour to get there, but there are so many routes I can take, and each one is so pretty. I have learned new things about animals, every day. It will definitely help with getting my sanctuary center, one day. We are currently learning "fear free" techniques, which will really help with the rehabilitated dogs at my sanctuary center. I'd like to stay at this job a few more years before starting my place, though.

Amelia had her first therapist appointment this past week. I'm really hoping it helps with her attitude and not listening to me. They do this type of therapy where you and the child are in a room, playing, and they're in another room with a 2way mirror. They watch how you interact with your child and how your child reacts to you. They then give you ideas of what to say and/or do, all via an ear piece. I'm really excited to try this. Her therapist seems really nice. Unfortunately, Mia was all "mommy mommy mommy" at her appointment, so she didn't really talk to him or anything. He's going to help me find someone to talk to, as well. Which we all know is needed.

Spontaneous trip

Things haven't been going as well as I would have hoped. It really sucks when things don't go the way you have planned. Of course, life never goes as you plan. Otherwise, it wouldn't be the hardest thing you do. Everyone knows how much I LOVE my job, unfortunately that feeling is not mutual. As some of you know, I hurt my knee a few weeks ago while holding onto a dog. The dog decided she wanted to run and I was too late in realizing this. She pulled me right into a wall. It messed up my right knee. Two weeks later and it's still bruised and swollen. It's doing much better now, though. I can walk without pain and move it around. I can even wear jeans without bothering it. Unfortunately, if it stays in one position for too long, it hurts. Back to work, I was given more time off for it to heal, which I can't afford. But, a plus side to the time off work, I got to take a spontaneous trip to Myrtle Beach with the help of my mother and father! I'm hoping this trip is what I need to get back into my groove. When has a beach trip not helped someone, really?
I'm sorry this is such a short post, but it covered what it needed to.

April 26, 2019

Want to know the hardest part of having Asperger's? When you realize that you really won't get to do all the things you wanted to do. I'm never going to have my sanctuary center. I'll never have my farmhouse that I've wanted. Realizing that there are things that I won't be able to do. I'll never live without someone to help me. You don't think certain disorders will actually stop you from living your life, but they do. You don't even realize it, either. That's the worst part. Not even realizing that it stops you at things. You think you're doing everything correctly, but you're not. Maybe that's just me.
I have officially started medicine for my high cholesterol. I'm not overweight (by much), but I could probably eat better to control it. The worst part is that I also have low blood sugar. Talk about a contradiction. The low blood sugar isn't as bad as the cholesterol is. My problem, I'm only 26! I have all these issues going on. (Thanks mother). I don't think my body realizes how young it really is. My knees still have issues. I'm starting to think it's not tendonitis, like my doctor originally thought. Maybe it's something worse?
Then the bee sting on top of everything else. I just need to be in a bubble. My boss asked me to write a list of my allergies. There were 13 that I could remember. I'm sure there is more, but I have no clue. Thankfully, most of them are minor allergies that can be taken care of with allergy medicine. I'll just have to keep taking that on a daily basis. As well as having my EpiPen on hand, at all times. Which, I already did.
I guess that's really been the only things to happen lately. We all know my life is pretty boring. Though, the Asperger's part has been on my mind, a lot, lately. Every time I think of the life I want to give Mia but can't unless I get help from someone. It hurts.

April 3, 2019

It's been awhile, I know. I'm getting really bad at remembering to write. Actually, it's not really that, my life is just that boring. Since the last time I wrote; Amelia turned 4, I had my last day at alphabest, and that's about it.
Amelia has started being really bad lately. Not sure why. Probably my crappiness at parenting, or the age, or its what she sees happening. I'm not sure. I do know, that with this week of being home, she's learning that she's not going to get away with everything. She's starting to listen when I raise my voice.
My last day at alphabest was really difficult. I cried, a lot. Those were my kids for almost 2 years. They will always be a part of me. Only a week and a half and I miss them like crazy. I'm actually going to visit them tomorrow! Maybe since hours are so low, at my new job, I can substitute. But, that would make it harder to say goodbye to the kids again.
I am loving my new job, though. It's awesome! There are so many dogs. It doesn't feel like a job. I mean, I get paid to play with dogs! Of course, feeding and bathing and cleaning up after them are part of the job, but that's okay!! I get to spend time with dogs! There's a few there that are so sweet. I look forward to seeing them when I go in.  They're there a lot since they're the owners (of the boarding kennel) dogs. It's awesome! Seriously, I don't think i can say that enough. Especially this one dog that was taught to give hugs. She's the sweetest.
Unfortunately, like I said, my life isn't that entertaining.