People

You ever have one of those people who make you hate everything? By everything, I mean everything. Yourself, your job, going out, everything. I've found that person. The worst part is knowing they don't give a shit. They make me want to hit them and cry and pull out all my hair. Giving the type of person I am, I'm not going to say anything to them in fear of retaliation. And they're in the position to possibly retaliate. This person could make my life a living hell if they really wanted to. Actually, that's probably what they're working on. Especially if they know that eventually I'll just avoid seeing them any way possible. I don't want to go into specifics, just in case they actually read this (yeah right) but it's too the point where it's all pissing my parents off amd they want me to talk to someone who can take care of it. Unfortunately, I have no faith in this other person. We're going to call this person B and the original person A. A always says crap to me and about me. But A doesn't do this if anyone else is around, especially if B is around. And I've talked to B before about A but nothing has happened and I don't know how much more of this I can take. We all know I have mental problems already; especially dealing with who I am, how I look, etc; eventually I'm going to snap. Sadly, that'll just be locking myself in my room and cry. I'm hoping not to get to that point. I guess we'll find out soon!

Merry Christmas

Merry Christmas everyone. I hope you all had a wonderful Christmas. Remember, it's not about the gifts you received, it's about love and family. The fact you get presents is just an added bonus. That being said, Amelia and I did pretty well this year. I got a TARDIS coffee cup, a conspiracy theory book, a bottle organizer, and a closet organizer. Oh, and two key chains. Mia got a few different toys. She got a rocking horse, beatbo, teething you, stuffed elephant, a "romote", a "phone", and a "tablet". Then we got some bath toys for her and a high chair. Yeah, 9 months old and we just now got a high chair. Thing is so cool though. It transforms from a high chair to a booster seat then to a table and chair. I'd say we had a pretty good first Christmas. Can't wait for the next one!

12/22/15

Just a few more days until Christmas. So weird. It doesn't feel like it. Then again, it's been warm and doesn't really feel like December. I am ready for Christmas though. Everyone is shopped for. Everything is wrapped, at least things I've bought. The stuff Mom has bought is still in the process of being shipped. I'm getting pretty excited. Though, still not ready for Mia's first Christmas. I'm not ready for her to grow up. She's already nine months old. I don't like it at all. She turned nine months on Dec. 20. The same day my dog, Bandit, turned 10 years old. My old man. Love him to death!
I finally get Mexican food, soon. My best friend Lyndsey is back and Mexican food is our thing. I need my tacos! Just a few more days. Mexican, presents, greatness. Can't. Wait.

12/15/15-Feelings

I realize no one really reads this, and that's okay, at least I can say I said these things finally. Not my fault if no one actually reads it. I'm sorry that I'm not a great writer, that I don't instantly grab your attention. I'm sorry that I could care less, really. I'm writing this blog more for me. Like an online diary that others can read. Don't get my wrong, I love that some of you actually read this. But, I'm sure its not one of those that you are like "Yay, she updated, again" it's probably more like "what is she complaining about this time?" Think about it though, I hate talking to people, especially about myself. This way, I can say things once and hide behind a computer screen. I can vent this way instead of annoying whoever I decide to talk to. No one has to read this. It's up to you, really. And no, it won't hurt my feelings if you don't read it. To be honest, I'm actually surprised every time I see someone viewed this. I don't even think my parents read any of this. So, why would I expect other people to?
If I still have anyone reading this, there are a few things I would like to talk about. They kind of link into each other, thankfully. So, I took this autism test for Amelia. With the answers I gave, it said there was a high chance she has it. Which, we knew that. She shows numerous signs. What bugs me is, my mom went over my answers and apparently I got a lot wrong. This showed me that I apparently don't know my daughter as well as I thought I did. Realizing this hurt more than I thought it would. I pretty much felt my heart break. I am a single mother and I don't even know my own daughter. I'm not even sure she knows that I am her mother and not just the "boob lady". I did some research on this and it is apparently signs of PPD or postpartum depression. I thought that you had to get it early on, like right after giving birth. I'm not sure if it actually is PPD or just something all moms think about. But, it's to the point where I started crying. I'm going to talk to my mom about it, eventually. Maybe if she reads this, she'll get a hint or something. I don't know. Sadly, I kind of doubt it. Maybe, I can take some time off work, (I only work 3-4 a week though) and just spend time with my munchkin. We'll see after these three days I have off. See if it gets better.
I'm, also, thinking maybe quit my job and start going to college. I would like to be able to say I could work and go to school, but if I already feel like I don't know my daughter due to not spending much time with her, why would I go to work and school? I wouldn't be able to handle it mentally. So, maybe, if my parents are okay with it, I take some time off work and go to school. Just to make sure that I still have some money and stuff, I want to start my own little craft business. I feel like I can handle doing that with college. Of course, my mom will make stuff, too. I would focus on jewelry and some painting crafts. That would be something I can handle doing every day, or days I'm not at school. This way, I'm working from home and get to spend time with Amelia. Which beats having to leave her all the time. I guess we'll see what happens.

12/13/15

Amelia had her first portraits taken yesterday. It was a lot of fun. Twenty minutes in front of a camera and she loved it! I'm thinking she may like modeling. There were some really good photos. Unfortunately, I could only afford getting one pose and I had the person working there help me pick one of the three I was deciding between. I think we picked the right one. I love her smile. I feel like it captures her personality. Let me know if you want a wallet size photo of this.It'll be going in Christmas cards, anyway.

What else is there? I'm 110% done Christmas shopping. I even ended up buying more when I was already finished. I have a horrible time this time of year. I see things and I just have to give them to someone. It's my favorite time of year. I know, I'm weird. 

Lastly, GAME DAY. Mom got Mia this cute little Steelers cheer-leading outfit. It is adorable. Though, I'm bias cause Amelia is always cute. I mean, have you seen her?! 

My baby is freaking adorable! That's it for today. Have a good day and enjoy game day!

12/10/15

This is many just going to be some venting and I'm not going to mention any names but if this person actually reads this, I'm sorry. Anyway, why do people keep saying I should move out of my parents house?! I'm a single mother, who has Asperger's, and works minimum wage. I can barely afford my car payment and they think I should live on my own? No, thank you. My parents are amazing. Even if we don't always get along, find me a family that does. There isn't one. They help me with everything. Especially, when it comes to Amelia. They are always there if I need them. They don't charge me rent, they babysit Amelia for free, they took me back in when I came to them pregnant... Why would I want to leave them? They have always been there. Through friends, relationships, stupidity, etc. I would be a wreck without them. I mean, look at the one time that I did move out. I wasn't myself. I started ignoring what I believed in. I started having sex (ew) and started drinking. I need, NEED, my parents. I understand I'm a 23 year old adult, but I'm not 100% mentally a 23 year old adult. Maybe like 16 or 17. Yes, I have a child, but you know what? Without my family, Amelia and I would be on the street or worse. So, no, I don't care what anyone thinks, I'm comfortable living with my parents. I need my parents. And I absolutely love my parents. Now, please, mind your own business and let me live my life and you live yours. Thank you.

Now, unrelated, AMELIA STARTED CRAWLING!! Sorry about the caps, but we know how I am. She's almost 9 months old and finally started crawling. I am one proud Mommy. That is all. Thank you for reading.

12/2/15

I can't believe it's already December. This year has flown by. Everyond told me that the first year of having a kid goes really quickly, but I didn't think they meant this quickly.  My little girl is almost 9 months old. I don't like it. Not at all.
Any who, not much happening. Waiting at mom's doctor's appointment. Sitting in the truck. Mia is asleep, and I'm doing this. It's pouring outside. Better than snow. Though, I'd like a white Christmas. Especially Amelia's first Christmas. It just better not snow on the 12th. Parents will be helping Michaila move out of her dorm and I don't want to have to cancel Amelia's photos. I'm really excited for them. I know I'll keep the big one, and give out a bunch of the wallet ones. I know they're going to be adorable. Why? Because they'll be of Mia.
So, the two year anniversary of Paul's death was handled better than I thought I'd do. Didn't cry. But I also avoided videos and movies of his. I did wear my "For Paul" shirt though. And when I get back home, I'm planning to hang it up on my wall.
Lastly, forgot to mention the night terrors Mia has been having. Last might was the first time in a while that she hadn't had any. I slept better. I slept so nice that I fell asleep while breastfeeding. It was weird. Sorry for those of you who can imaine why!