Asperger's and parenthood

One of the worse things to ever realize is that you're not going to be the mother you wanted to be. Due to the Asperger's, I'm not going to be able to do half the things I want. I know I'm going to need help. Hearing that a doctor thinks you won't be able to do it on your own just hurts you even more. I've known I wouldn't be able to raise a child on my own, but hearing someone else say it, just makes it real. I know some of you who are reading this are going to say I can do it on my own, but I also know that's not true. I can't even take care of myself on my own, I know I can't take care of Amelia on my own. Thankfully, I have my parents who are going to help me. I just feel bad for making such a huge, not mistake but accident, I guess, and making it so my parents have to help raise a child. They've done their share and their youngest just turned 18. Now, I'm making them go another 18 years because I was stupid and, well, stupid. I can admit that. This wasn't supposed to be me. I was supposed to be the goody-two-shoes. Now, look at me. 31 weeks pregnant, single, living at home with parents, no college, and currently can't work. I know I'm not supposed to beat myself up or stress myself out, but sometimes, I just can't help it. This is not what I had planned for myself and I know this is not what my parents had planned for me. Sometimes, its just hard to except that what's happening is happening and I can't do much about it. Everything happens for a reason, but sometimes that reason doesn't appear for awhile. Don't get me wrong, I have never been more excited in my life than I am to meet my baby girl, but I'm scared to death about it, too. What if I'm not a good mother? What if she hates me? Or, what if something goes wrong? I'm just paranoid. I know this. Can't really help it though. I, also, know I'm not prepared at all for her to get here. I was going over what you need for the hospital bag, and I have like one thing. Which is onesies. That is it. We don't even have a crib or anything. I need to get everything figured out soon. As soon as taxes come back, I'm sure my mom and I will be buying just about everything off my registry at Babies R Us.

Hospital Trip, Again and Others

Had another very fun hospital trip back on Sunday, the 18th. It, of course, wasn't actually fun at all. Went in for some bleeding, but they weren't very concerned because, even though it completely filled what would've been a pad if I wore one, it was "old blood" so who cares apparently. Either way, they hooked me up to a heart monitor for Amelia and one to keep track of contractions, if I had any. But, then I started having contractions. Never felt them. They were 2 minutes apart, and I didn't feel a single one. Well, I did, but I thought it was Amelia kicking. Obviously, I was wrong. Then they checked if I had dilated at all. I did not. But, something the Doctor did, hurt like hell. Of course, male. New to the practice. Enough to make it so I never want a male doctor again. Though, they did figure something out. I apparently have a UTI. How do you get one at 30 weeks pregnant! Its supposedly very hard to do. Yet, I found a way. I'm pretty sure I'm able to get any thing that could harm my Princess. Its getting annoying. I just hope she is born healthy and doesn't have to be in NICU. Just needs to bake a little longer. Thankfully, no issues since. I've really only been relaxing lately. Which is what I was told to do. For once, I'm ALMOST listening to a doctor. Should drink more water though. Just can't get into it. No flavor. Also, hopefully, come Monday, I'll be switching OB practices to someone who knows what they're doing.
I've been having a lot of emotional problems lately. Everything can make me cry. From not getting what I'm craving to cutting my nail incorrectly. This is getting ridiculous. I'm pretty sure I'm driving my family insane. We can be talking and then I just randomly start crying. Probably doesn't help the stress I've already put on them for coming home pregnant one day. Which I apologize for, again, Mom and Dad. I know me being stressed doesn't help y'all very much.
One more topic for the night. Amelia and her kicking. Oh. My. Goodness. This child has a thing for kicking at my ribs. You'd think she has broken a few or something. She, also, likes to stick her foot (or maybe its her hand) against my side so I'll tickle it. Then she'll pull away, then push again. We can do this for like a half hour. Especially at bed time. She loves that. Can't wait to meet my baby girl!!

Dreams, Jewelry, and Mouse Village Update

We're gonna start off with the mouse village update. My sister caught a mouse in the bathroom and my dad put it outside. I was so excited. All I could think was that that meant no mouse coming into my "room" but, boy, was I wrong. There are apparently more mice than just the one that was caught. Five minutes after they got the one outside, there was another moving under my bed. Another sleepless night! Last night though, heard the mouse once and that was it. I actually slept for awhile. Surprisingly.
Dreams.... pregnant women normally have pregnancy dreams and all. Normally, they include their unborn child. I haven't had a single dream about Amelia. I know, silly of me to be worried, but what if my self-conscience knows something I don't. I haven't even had dreams about after she's born. There has been no Amelia in my dreams. Last night was the closest thing I've had to a dream about her. All it was was that I found a thimble with my name and one with hers. That's literally all the dream was. 30 weeks pregnant today, and that's the first time I even saw her name in a dream.

Tear Drop Earrings- $8

Jewelry time... So far no one has been interested in the jewelry I made that's for sale. I'm not sure why. I didn't even put prices. I figure I'd let other people decide how much they'd like to pay for it. I had ideas for prices. I just didn't want people thinking they were too high or something so I didn't want to put prices. Guess I should though. Maybe it'll help. Who knows... Let me know if interested in any of these.

Rose necklace- $8

Pink Snowman- $10

Beware, it's a lot!

This should actually be a long post for once. I made a list of topics to discuss in this post. Shocking, right? Me? Actually prepare for something and not just BSing it. Anywho, topic one... I really hate having to post on Facebook every time I update my Blog. Then again, maybe if I updated every day, like I should, I wouldn't have to. Seriously though, if I updated every day, it would be the shortest posts ever. "Today, I had *carnation breakfast* this morning, *soup* for lunch, a snack, and *chicken* for dinner. Had some pains and was tired all day. Watched some tv, like always and that was it." That would be the post literally every day. If I wait a few days, I'll actually have stuff to write about. We all know my life isn't the most exciting out there, so I do what I can to give you guys something to read.
Topic number two. Yesterday, I took that stupid 3-hour glucose test. I didn't get anything to eat until about 5 in the afternoon. I kept getting dizzy and wanted to vomit. Turns out that if you vomit though, you have to restart the test. Thank goodness I was able to hold it in the whole time because there was no way in hell I would take that damn thing again. Longest three hours of my life. My mom went with me, thankfully, and kept me company. We discovered how many idiots and white trash people there are in that area. I think at one point, we were both ready to just leave there. Never realized how rude and inconsiderate people are until I spent three hours in the lab waiting room. I should find out the results in a few days. Hopefully, its good news.
Topic number three. Little Miss Amelia is doing pretty good. At least from what I know of. I know she's still head first. She's still very active. From what I know, she's still growing like she should be. We're just still concerned that she is going to come out early. When we (mom and I) asked the midwife yesterday on if she thinks Amelia will come early she wouldn't give us a straight answer. So, either she didn't know, didn't care, or just wasn't going to tell me. Either way, wasn't really fond of her at all. Which, I will discuss in Topic four. So, all in all, Amelia should be fine. Guess I'll find out during my next appointment.
Now, topic number four... I did NOT like that midwife. I swear she didn't know what she was doing. She made a point to contentiously bring up my past with Anorexia. When she checked Amelia's heart rate, she never said anything to me. Never told me if it was normal, what the BPM was, and if she was okay. She measured my stomach, never told me what it was. Ignored the fact that when she was pressing on my stomach that it hurt. When I mentioned how I haven't been to work because all the issues I've had, she asked if I had been coming in weekly just to get out of work. Maybe, if she had read the chart like she should, she would know that I've been having issues. She didn't listen to anything my mother or I said. She just kept focusing on how I used to be anorexic. I really hope I never have her again. I'm sure I can request a different midwife, I hope. Why don't they just stick with one midwife?! I've now seen five! That's four too many.
Number five, don't worry, only two more after this. This one is about the pain. So far, its been Braxton Hicks. Which hurt a lot. Leg pains, which I was warned about. There are these cramps that I get, but apparently that's from everything growing. There are times that where I just want to cry from all the pain. Especially, knowing that labor will be even worse. It just scares me.
Numero six. This one and the next one should be relatively short. I'm planning to start selling the jewelry I make. I need to make some more before I start selling. I only have three pieces done so far. I will be posting photos on here and on Facebook.
Lastly, topic number seven. There is a mouse village in my house. They need to go away! I'm scared to death of mice as it is. One of them last night were messing around "my room" the whole time. Luna, who is supposed to chase mice, just slept the whole time. The mouse was playing with something that sounded like metal hitting each other. A few hours after that, he was near my bed playing in papers and boxes. Then, around 6am, he was across the room just running around. At that point, I was so tired and so annoyed, I was ready to kill the darn mouse myself. Thankfully, it stopped after that and I slept three more hours.

From New Years until Now

My mom, dad, and younger sister all went to Florida from Dec. 26 until Jan. 3. I was off work just about the whole time. Actually, I haven't been to work since Christmas Eve. I've had so many issues so far that it just hasn't been safe for me to go. I was having some bleeding issues on the 2nd. Thankfully, it didn't last long so I didn't have to go to the ER. Which is good because I wouldn't have had anyone to go with me.
So, there is good news, bad news, and unknown good/bad news. The good news is that the Placenta Previa moved itself so that is no longer an issue. But, that makes the bleeding more concerning. Apparently, I don't have to worry too much about it, though.
The bad news... Apparently, little miss Amelia wants to come out already. She's already head first, going into the birth canal. My parents and some other people think she'll be here before the end of this month. I'll be asking my doctor/midwife what she thinks during my next appointment on Monday.
Now for the news that is more unknown... I had to do that nasty Glucose test on the 5th. Results came back saying that my sugar was high. On the 12th, I have to take that 3-hour long test and see how that goes. If I fail 2 out of the 4 blood tests, then I have diabetes. Not that I have had enough issues so far. If this is how my pregnancies are going to go, I am NEVER getting pregnant again.
I know every pregnancy is different, but the fact is this has been really hard on me and I don't know if I can do it again. Actually, I know I can't. Granted, I already love Amelia more than anything in the world, but its still painful enough to make me never want to do this again. Even though, I've already said I am NEVER having sex again. Maybe, later in life, I'll adopt. But not until Amelia is 10 or so. Or, if I meet Johnny Depp, then who knows what will happen.
Anyway, I'll find out more come Monday, and I promise to update! Have a great weekend!