Asperger's and the single mom

First, I want it to be known that I came up with the title for this post before even deciding to make a post and what to say in it.
I'm sure a lot of you are sick of me complaining about my life and (lack of) love life. But guess what, I'm sort of doing that in this post too. No, don't stop reading, hear me out. The reason I'm getting impatient with all this is when I was diagnosed with Asperger's syndrome my mom and I were both told, by 2 different therapist, that I will never live alone. I will never be able to function correctly without someone there. It will only be if I find someone who is willing to help, constantly. They said either a sibling, parent, or spouse. They said to not even think of a friend, that they wouldn't be able to commit like I need them to. I tried to live with a friend once and look how well that turned out, I got pregnant. I figure, at 26, my parents shouldn't have to be the ones responsible for me. I actually think I'm phrasing this all incorrectly. So, I can't exactly function like a normal person. I have more breakdowns than normal people. I have my "your Asperger's is showing" days, I forget things, I need my routines, etc. I could go days without eating if I didn't have reminders. I have my routines built around each shift at work. What I do is a routine. I can handle some changes, but only if I prepare for them. But, those random things that aren't accounted for, that's what gets me. One day, I called my mom and completely broke down in tears because someone filled out a paper that I normally do; but I can make an adjustment if a dog needs an unexpected bath. That's just at work. Imagine what would happen if I lived on my own with just Mia. It would be a trainwreck. I think it's to the point that I shouldn't be home and cramping my dad's style (yeah, I said that) and get out. But, there is 0 chance of me living with my sisters, so I need the husband. I don't want to live with my parents forever, and I'm sure they don't want me here forever. Maybe it'll happen soon. I can hope, right?

August 14, 2019

Obviously everyone has those days that they really hate themselves and says that they thinks they're amazing. Recently, I've had more of the first type of days, but that's also who I am. It's been brought to my attention by a very good friend that I have a habit of putting myself down and ruining anything that could be good before it happens. That friend thinks I have a fear of being happy because I always get hurt. You know what, I think he's right. Happiness has never been good for me, and I doubt it will be for awhile. First step would be for me to be happy and I don't see that happening anytime soon. But how can I be when I have it in my mind that I need to have certain things to be happy. Like a boyfriend/ husband? Well, more like a father for Amelia. I know she doesn't need one, not all families are the same. But she doesn't understand why her friends have dads and she doesn't. I've been told that I'll find love when I stop looking, but how will that happen if I'm either at work or home? Work relationships rarely ever work out for people, besides the fact that I look like the complete opposite of attractive while I'm at work. I'm always covered in dirt and mud and I'm typically sweaty. No one in their right mind would find that attractive. Now, on the other hand, I've been told that I have to go look for love too. That it's not just going to fall into my lap one day. Maybe I'll join a dating site, but guys on there are always super annoying and want one thing. I'm a single mom with a full time job, they aren't getting that one thing. I feel like I'm always complaining about my lack of love life and for that, I apologize. It's just that I try to find someone I like and then I always ruin it, or worse I find out they're married/ dating. I have horrible luck with love. Maybe I should accept being alone forever.
Anyway, on to happier thoughts. I have really enjoyed this week in myrtle beach. It's been very nice and really needed, but I'm so excited to go back to work. I miss all my doggies. We're going to the aquarium and to dinner tomorrow for mom's birthday, then heading home Friday. Hoping we'll be home by 6, but with 3 kids, I doubt it. We should leave by 8 a.m. and we'll eat lunch in the car, so it shouldn't be too late to return. Then work on Saturday!!! I've been making my favourite dog a bandana from here, I just hope she and her family like it. I swear, being away from Chori is the most difficult part of this week. Not even being away from Luna is this hard. Speaking of Luna, she's doing a doggie sleepover tonight and tomorrow at a kennel while everyone is out of town. I just hope she's doing alright. I'll be sure to call the kennel first thing in the morning to see how she is.

That's it for this post!

Hello, August

I believe I have finally found what I am meant to do with my life. I'm supposed to work with dogs, definitely. I love my job. There are days where I would like to stay longer, and if I could, I would. I don't even think of it as a job. I feel like the drive there and home are worse. That's the work, driving there. And being at the kennel is just something fun to do. I love each of those dogs. It's amazing when the dogs recognize you and get just as excited to see you. There are multiple dogs who come for daycare Monday- Friday. Those are all my babies. Just seeing those tails wag when they first see you can make every bad feeling go away. You're not supposed to have your favorites, but we all do. I try to treat them equally, but there are 3 who have iin between, really. She's my baby though. She could get away with murder. She's not even my dog and when I see dog toys and whatever, I think that she needs them. I've been able to stop myself. But she's still spoiled.
Anyway,  this job has made me think more about my sanctuary center. I know what I want to do and how. It's just the materials and money that I need. One day

Not as much as I thought

Hello people. As most of you know (unless you've been under a rock), I recently got a new job. I have one thing to say about it. I LOVE IT! No, seriously. I love my job. I don't even see it as a job, really. It's just a place I get to go to 5 days a week. It's seriously just amazing. The dogs (and cats) are adorable and I love them all. The only downside is the commute. Takes an hour to get there, but there are so many routes I can take, and each one is so pretty. I have learned new things about animals, every day. It will definitely help with getting my sanctuary center, one day. We are currently learning "fear free" techniques, which will really help with the rehabilitated dogs at my sanctuary center. I'd like to stay at this job a few more years before starting my place, though.

Amelia had her first therapist appointment this past week. I'm really hoping it helps with her attitude and not listening to me. They do this type of therapy where you and the child are in a room, playing, and they're in another room with a 2way mirror. They watch how you interact with your child and how your child reacts to you. They then give you ideas of what to say and/or do, all via an ear piece. I'm really excited to try this. Her therapist seems really nice. Unfortunately, Mia was all "mommy mommy mommy" at her appointment, so she didn't really talk to him or anything. He's going to help me find someone to talk to, as well. Which we all know is needed.

Spontaneous trip

Things haven't been going as well as I would have hoped. It really sucks when things don't go the way you have planned. Of course, life never goes as you plan. Otherwise, it wouldn't be the hardest thing you do. Everyone knows how much I LOVE my job, unfortunately that feeling is not mutual. As some of you know, I hurt my knee a few weeks ago while holding onto a dog. The dog decided she wanted to run and I was too late in realizing this. She pulled me right into a wall. It messed up my right knee. Two weeks later and it's still bruised and swollen. It's doing much better now, though. I can walk without pain and move it around. I can even wear jeans without bothering it. Unfortunately, if it stays in one position for too long, it hurts. Back to work, I was given more time off for it to heal, which I can't afford. But, a plus side to the time off work, I got to take a spontaneous trip to Myrtle Beach with the help of my mother and father! I'm hoping this trip is what I need to get back into my groove. When has a beach trip not helped someone, really?
I'm sorry this is such a short post, but it covered what it needed to.

April 26, 2019

Want to know the hardest part of having Asperger's? When you realize that you really won't get to do all the things you wanted to do. I'm never going to have my sanctuary center. I'll never have my farmhouse that I've wanted. Realizing that there are things that I won't be able to do. I'll never live without someone to help me. You don't think certain disorders will actually stop you from living your life, but they do. You don't even realize it, either. That's the worst part. Not even realizing that it stops you at things. You think you're doing everything correctly, but you're not. Maybe that's just me.
I have officially started medicine for my high cholesterol. I'm not overweight (by much), but I could probably eat better to control it. The worst part is that I also have low blood sugar. Talk about a contradiction. The low blood sugar isn't as bad as the cholesterol is. My problem, I'm only 26! I have all these issues going on. (Thanks mother). I don't think my body realizes how young it really is. My knees still have issues. I'm starting to think it's not tendonitis, like my doctor originally thought. Maybe it's something worse?
Then the bee sting on top of everything else. I just need to be in a bubble. My boss asked me to write a list of my allergies. There were 13 that I could remember. I'm sure there is more, but I have no clue. Thankfully, most of them are minor allergies that can be taken care of with allergy medicine. I'll just have to keep taking that on a daily basis. As well as having my EpiPen on hand, at all times. Which, I already did.
I guess that's really been the only things to happen lately. We all know my life is pretty boring. Though, the Asperger's part has been on my mind, a lot, lately. Every time I think of the life I want to give Mia but can't unless I get help from someone. It hurts.

April 3, 2019

It's been awhile, I know. I'm getting really bad at remembering to write. Actually, it's not really that, my life is just that boring. Since the last time I wrote; Amelia turned 4, I had my last day at alphabest, and that's about it.
Amelia has started being really bad lately. Not sure why. Probably my crappiness at parenting, or the age, or its what she sees happening. I'm not sure. I do know, that with this week of being home, she's learning that she's not going to get away with everything. She's starting to listen when I raise my voice.
My last day at alphabest was really difficult. I cried, a lot. Those were my kids for almost 2 years. They will always be a part of me. Only a week and a half and I miss them like crazy. I'm actually going to visit them tomorrow! Maybe since hours are so low, at my new job, I can substitute. But, that would make it harder to say goodbye to the kids again.
I am loving my new job, though. It's awesome! There are so many dogs. It doesn't feel like a job. I mean, I get paid to play with dogs! Of course, feeding and bathing and cleaning up after them are part of the job, but that's okay!! I get to spend time with dogs! There's a few there that are so sweet. I look forward to seeing them when I go in.  They're there a lot since they're the owners (of the boarding kennel) dogs. It's awesome! Seriously, I don't think i can say that enough. Especially this one dog that was taught to give hugs. She's the sweetest.
Unfortunately, like I said, my life isn't that entertaining.

March 9, 2019

As some of you know, I put my two weeks in with my job. I got a new job that will help me reach my dream goal of having a sanctuary center. I did training today, but I officially start tomorrow. I now work at a kennel, no not like a shelter. Think of it more like a hotel for dogs. It's a pretty awesome job and absolutely perfect for me. I mean, who doesn't want to get paid to play with dogs. Dream come true, right?! It actually is, too. I've always wanted to work with dogs and Tractor Supply was the closest I ever got, until now. Unfortunately, none of the dogs really wanted to play today since it was wet and cold. Hopefully summer time will be much better. My knees definitely get a workout though, there are steep stairs leading to the yard. Which might not be good for the tendonitis in my knees. Oops, oh well. I feel like there is more, but I'm too tired to think. I'll just update better later.

March 1, 2019

I am sorry it has been so long since I last wrote. I kept thinking how I would write after getting Mia to sleep, but then I'd fall asleep.
Not much has happened this month though. It did go really quickly though. Probably thanks to all the snow days and two hour delays, though. Oh, I did start going to the gym though. I was doing really well. Lost 5 inches around my waist. But, then I missed one day. Then it became a week. Then two weeks. Now, I'm at three weeks since last going and having gained the 5 inches back, plus some. No, I don't like how I look, we all know this. Unfortunately though, I don't like the drive to the gym I belong to. It's almost an hour drive from work to the gym. It got annoying quicker than I thought it would. I'm planning to join a different gym when I get my tax refund and pay for a whole year. This gym, I pass on my way home from work, so it'll work out much better. Maybe I'll start to like myself again.
The only other thing I can think of writing about is something that has been on my mind lately. Amelia's birth. Did you know I didn't get to hold her after she was born? All this time, I thought I did. Nope. Mom told me that they instantly took her to NICU. I told my mom how it upsets me that I don't remember much about her birth, but she reminded me that the birth was that bad. That I lost that much blood. I knew it was bad, but not that bad. I didn't know my mom was thinking she'd have to bury both her daughter and granddaughter. I remember being told that I would need a blood transfusion and that Mia had to stay in NICU, but I didn't know how bad it truly was. I remember being told to have an abortion, numerous times during pregnancy. I remember the hospital trips thinking I had a miscarriage. I remember everything except actually having her, but I also remember a lot. I remember waking up in the hospital with my parents there, them smiling, but my baby not being there. I remember it started snowing as I was being wheeled down to see Amelia. I remember seeing Amelia through glass and seeing the nurses with a concerned look on their face. I remember being told that I may not get to take my baby home. Normally, I don't believe in miracles, but with these memories coming back, I know Amelia was my little miracle. I know it's a miracle we both got to come home. I'm sure you're wondering why all these thoughts so randomly. Well, you never know what could happen. I had a high school friend give birth to a still born. I have an old friend whose daughter had her third open heart surgery within her first 2 months of life. It made me realize how lucky Amelia and I truly are. As some of you know, I don't believe in God, but I would seriously like to thank whatever higher being there is for giving my daughter and me our lives.

January 31, 2019

The first month of the year is finally over. Well, in three and a half hours. It has been a very long month, I think for everyone. Oddly enough, not a lot has happened. I've realized that no matter how good you think people are, they'll stab you in the back to help themselves. Sometimes, it's not even to get ahead. Sometimes, it really is just to make themselves feel better. Sometimes, it's the people you least expect. At least, I know it now. The only other thing that has happened is that I FINALLY joined a gym. I've only gone twice so far. I'm hoping to do three times a week though. But, who knows. It depends on my motivation. Right now, my motivation is looking okay in a bikini when I go to the beach in June. I figure, that gives me enough time to work off about 20 pounds. Sadly, I don't like to diet, so it's really counterproductive. I want to eat what I want and exercise and still lose weight. Does that even work?
I really wish I had more to write about, but I don't. Well, I do, but those topics, I can't. It's complicated. I'm sorry for such a short post, but at least it's something.

January 16, 2019

I'm already not a fan of 2019. Too much snow. I don't like snow, it's too cold. If snow could happen at like 80°, I'd be really happy. Amelia loves the snow though. She really loves to throw it at Mommy.
As I sit in the local elementary school while Amelia is in speech, I realize how boring my life is. Nothing has really happened since I last posted. Well, I was sick for awhile. Supposedly, it was an upper respiratory infection and a stomach infection (aka stomach flu) but I don't think either of those were the correct diagnosis. But, I'm not a doctor, so who knows. Whatever it was, no one else in my house got it. So, I'll call it a win.
I have decided I am going to college. I know, I know, I've said this before. But, this time I mean it! I need to show Mia that her mommy is capable of not depending on her parents. I know that I'm not setting a good example by only working a part time job and living at home. We need our own place. Anyway, I am leaning towards Animal behavior, but I want to minor in criminal justice or psychology. This will all be for my goal of opening an animal sanctuary/rescue. I want to be able to help the animals who have given up hope. I don't want to be a kill shelter, how is that fair to the animals? Getting to decide that they have to die because someone won't adopt it because it doesn't look happy or it's too old. I rather be that person who has a place for that animal with some other animal misfits. In my head, it's like people who get put up for adoption. You don't kill one kid to make room for another, why do that with animals? Even the aggressive ones deserve another chance. Which is where the animal behavior degree will come in handy. I'm sure you're wondering where the criminal justice or psychology fit in with a sanctuary. Well, it doesn't completely. But, with the back ground knowledge, it will help me "understand" why people act that way with animals. Why do people abandon them? Why do they beat them? Stuff like that. Before you ask, understand is in quotation marks because I will truly never understand why people act the way they do to defenseless animals, but I'll be able to see why they think what they're doing is justifiable. I originally wanted to be part of the ASPCA, but after rescuing the animals, my job would be done. I don't like that. I want to help the animal more. I want to help animals see that people do care about that. To us, a pet is just a part of our world. But, to the pets, we are their world.
Lastly, another thing I've decided to do, to help me grow up. I am going to join a gym. Yesterday, I had a very deep conversation with one of my closest friends about my insecurities. After listing them all, I realized that they are mainly about appearance. I don't like the weight I've gained, or how certain parts of my body look. I read some stuff online and found out that going to the gym will not only help lose weight and tone a bit, it will help build my confidence. I was told before that getting exercise will help mentally. I want to see if it will. I know I could work out at home, but if I'm home, I'm going to watch tv. Not workout. At least with the gym, I'll do stuff. I know I'll actually go to the gym as well, because I'll keep it in my head that if I don't, I'm throwing money away. I told my mom this morning, that I'll go there every time I think I want to eat out. I know that has helped with my weight gain, too.