November 30, 2013

Paul Walker passed away a year ago today. As creepy as it is, in about a half hour, it'll be to the minute. I remember EXACTLY what I was doing that day. Had a stressful time with Thanksgiving and Black Friday, so my friend, Kristen, and I went to a Hookah Bar. My sister called me on the way there and told me, but then she said "Nevermind, it was a hoax" then my mom texted me a half hour later telling me I should just come home. I was of course confused and asked why. Then she told me that it wasn't really a hoax, and I began looking it up. It was true. I started getting sick while there. Kept having to run to the bathroom and would throw up. Figured out it was a mixture of nerves and stress. I spent the next few days in tears. Like one would expect when an actor feels like family. Today, I was going to have a Paul Walker marathon but some reason I just couldn't do it. Instead, I've either napped or watched football. I just know with the pregnancy hormones, I'll be crying the entire time. Maybe, while my mom and I are cleaning tomorrow, we'll use his movies as back ground noise. No matter what, I know, thanks to my tattoo, Paul will always be with me. Rest in Peace, Paul! You will forever be missed!

Just thoughts...

I know I'm gonna get yelled at for this, but do you ever feel like your family is just embarrassed or ashamed of you? I'm really starting to feel that way. My parents go out a lot, either just them or with my sister. When I want to go, we apparently never have the money or no one wants to go. I know, I'm 22 and all, but I still live with them and I'm a part of this family. I also know that once Amelia is out, they'll take her everywhere. I'm not sure if this is pregnancy emotions, Asperger's, or selfishness, but still. I shouldn't feel like I'm not part of the family. And my dad and sister went out Black Friday Shopping today and got stuff for each of them and my mom and when I asked if I got anything, I was told no. That I have a job, if I want it, get it. And that since I have a baby on the way, I will only be getting stuff for her for Christmas. I understand that because babies are expensive, but seriously, nothing? It just, I don't know... It hurts. I seriously feel like a burden half the time and I can't just straight out tell them I feel like that. And, I know they rarely ever read my blog, so not like they'll really see this any way. I'm probably just having a pity party or something. Oh well. I'll get over it. I hope.

Happy Thanksgiving!

First off, I'd like to say Happy Thanksgiving to everyone! I hope everyone has a great day and enjoys all the food that you can eat. Be thankful you get to spend this time with loved ones. Not everyone gets to. Now, what I'm thankful for; my family because they're always there for me when I need them. My friends who I can't go a day without talking to. My pets for showing unconditional love. My job, even though I hate it, not everyone has one. And lastly, the miracle that is my baby in my stomach, Amelia. Can't wait to meet you baby girl!
Speaking of Amelia, I never realized how much a fetus could enjoy the music you play for them. Amelia has a love for Selena Gomez and One Direction. Just like her mama. So, I've had my phone on those for the past couple hours. I love how she reacts to certain songs. She more active during Selena song than One Direction. Her favorite Selena songs seem to be 'Come & Get It' and 'The Heart Wants What It Wants'. It feels like she's dancing to those songs. She'll be kicking, moving, punching, everything. Its either she loves those songs or she hates them. I'm not 100% sure. So, we'll just go with she likes them. Mom keeps telling me to play Godsmack for her. I won't now. They say that the music helps shape what type of child they'll be. I'm not going to play Godsmack right now. She'll come out screaming. Although, as of now, it seems like she'll be coming out singing and dancing. Which I'm oddly okay with. I really can't wait to meet my baby. Eighteen more weeks. Shouldn't be too long. Especially, when I think that after my next OB appointment, I go to appointments every other week instead of once a month.
In other "news", Sunday, the 30th, will be exactly one year that the world lost Paul Walker. At about 6:30 p.m. EST. I will be doing a Paul Walker marathon and no one can stop me. Yes, I'll probably cry my eyes out, but it needs to happen. I just have to remember that I'm celebrating his life, not mourning it. Shouldn't be too hard, right? Then, if you think of the Asperger's, I'm not going to think that. I lost someone who was very important to me. No one can understand how I feel. They all judge me, still... "Oh, he was just an actor." "You didn't personally know him." "Can you get over that yet?" "Do you seriously have a tattoo in honor of him?" No, he wasn't just an actor. I don't care if I knew him, personally, or not. No, I'm not going to get over it. And yes, I do have a tattoo in honor of him. Well, that's it for today.

Placenta Previa

Had a OB appointment today. They didn't tell me during my last ultrasound that there was anything wrong. When I went in today, they asked if I had another ultrasound appointment scheduled. When I told the midwife that I didn't, she said that I need to because of a complication. She said it was that the placenta was on the edge of the cervix. They want to see if it'll move on its on within the next six weeks. Now, while there, I had no idea what this meant. After the appointment, I came home and told my mom. She seemed really worried. Told me it was actually dangerous. I was trying not to look it up or get worried about it, last I need is to stress myself out over it. But, I looked it up... Apparently, it really is concerning. Thankfully, mine is on the border, so its Marginal Previa. This can cause bleeding, pelvic rest, c-section, and could really harm the baby. For example, as scary as it is, it can cause the baby to die. Once again, trying not to scare myself too much, but it's creepy to think about.
I'm just really glad that Amelia's heart beat was good today. She's been kicking like crazy. Which has been normal lately. Especially, when I'm trying to sleep or something. Then its kicking constantly. My blood pressure was 102 over 56. And, my weight... 109.2 lbs! I don't remember when I weighed that much. Not sure if I'm happy about it or not. I know I'm gaining weight because I'm pregnant, but I don't like feeling fat. I just have to remind myself that its not me. It is the miracle of growing a person inside you. Of course, I'm not going to be 95 lbs while pregnant. That would not be very healthy. I'm trying to safely manage my weight, so I don't gain too much, but so that I gain enough. Shouldn't be too hard.

Stress and Cat

So much for trying to stay away from stress. Today has been very stressful. Co-workers aren't always as helpful as they should be. Who cares that you're almost 22 weeks pregnant (which will be tomorrow). No body needs to help you when you're running from one side of the building to the other while they're standing and doing nothing. This is why I'm not a people person. To add to everything, my Great-Aunt passed away yesterday. We saw it coming. She has had Alzheimer's for a few years now. So, it was basically old age and we knew it was going to happen eventually. Then this afternoon, Helena (my sister's cat) passed. She's been sick for a few days. While I was at work, my mom told me she wasn't doing very well. So, when I got home, I sat with Helena for a little bit then took her to the Vet. My sister and I went to 3 different veterinarians. The first 2 didn't even have doctors available. By the third vet, I was already pissed off. Then they didn't think Helena was an emergency. Then when she was barely breathing, I called the receptionist over and had her feel that Helena wasn't breathing very well. When she did that, she told the doctor that was on duty and we were instantly sent back to see her. She put Helena on the table and was checking her breathing. She was doing alright. Then, after making my sister and I laugh; by saying how I look 14 and my younger sister looks older than me; she just looked at us with a straight face and said "She's gone. Sorry girls"... I'm pregnant, stressed, emotional, and she just told me that Helena died? Thanks... Surprisingly, I haven't cried. Neither has my sister. More surprisingly, the pregnant chick didn't cry. I am having a lovely allergy attack so I could always say that that's what it is. Not that I'm crying. Its just allergies. Unfortunately, I think my parents would know that I'm lying. What's even worse? I keep thinking I see her, but I know she's not here. Helena and I didn't even like each other, but it hurts, so much. I mean, I watched her pass away. And, I can't stop hearing that 'meow' she kept doing. That sound just hurts.
As for the stress, thankfully, Amelia is able to handle it. Had cramps earlier and some pain in my no-no. But, we're doing alright now. Thankfully. She keeps kicking, too. I think she's having fun with it now. 'Here Mommy, have a kick here and here and here' which is not very fun for Mommy. Oh well, she's worth it.

Short

Back to work tomorrow. Kinda nervous. I don't want to get stressed out too much. What if something happens again? I don't want to keep risking Amelia like this. Its not fair to her. And if ANYTHING happens to her, I don't know what I would do. I know, I shouldn't be thinking like this, but I've already been in the ER a couple times with threatened miscarriages. I don't want to know what every one of these incidents do to my baby.
On the bright side, to make a better life for Amelia when she is born, I have been looking at colleges and jobs. I applied for FAFSA and I know that once I actually look and have her, I can grants for being a single mother. I know if I can do that, I'll be able to get a better job, than a cashier, and give Amelia a better life. I can hopefully run my own business. Either a jewelry store or a sanctuary center. At least that's my dream.
Sorry for such a short post. Just had to say something..

Hospital Trip and Concerns

Apparently, it is possible to over work yourself when you're basically taking it as easy as you can. Went to the hospital yesterday due to cramping again. Just like when I was 11 weeks. It was caused by dehydration and over-working/stress. The dehydration, I can understand. The stress? I can understand that, too. Especially, with my boss... But, the over-working? I started taking it easy after the first hospital trip. Then, even easier after the Florida trip. 21 weeks, and still having issues that the Doctors consider a "Threatened Miscarriage".... I thought you couldn't have a miscarriage after 20 weeks? Thankfully, though, everything should be okay. Providing I follow doctors orders and take it easy. As long as, I keep feeling Amelia kick and move, I know things will be okay. Even though, when I have any little problem, due to this being a first pregnancy and not paying attention in Health or Sex Ed, I instantly think the worst. No, I haven't done as much research as I should have. It's more like, I hit the 21 week mark, and I look up what to expect that week. I don't look ahead. I'm not sure why, but I guess I just want to be surprised or something.
Now, the concerns part... I'm worried I'm not going to be a good mother. I know every new parent goes through those thoughts, but it really concerns me. Yes, I have my parents, but Amelia will only have one parent. I'm sure I could change that but, (1) her biological father WILL NOT be near her as long as I'm alive and (2) as of now, I'm nowhere close to being relationship material. Which concerns me also. I know some people with Autism/Asperger's can handle relationships and getting married, but I don't see it happening with me. My mom tells me that its because I haven't met the right person yet, but part of me doesn't think there is a right person for me. I'm best when I'm alone. Of course, that won't count with Amelia. I know she's the best thing to ever happen to me. She will make me be a person, she'll make me more responsible, and she'll help me with wanting to be alone. Guess, I should just remember that she is the best thing that will happen to me and that she is the MOST important thing in my life and I should care for her before myself.

Halloween and gender reveal

Obviously, Halloween was a week ago. It was a pretty good time. I went as a witch, along with my mother. My sister had my TARDIS dress. Her oldest was Ariel and her youngest was a witch. Just like her Aunt and Mom-mom. Of course, it was absolutely freezing that night, and I got a cold. So, much fun... NOT. Being pregnant and sick is torture. You can't take very many medications. A week later and I'm still a little sick. Can barely breathe through my nose. Really sucks at night. I'm a mouth breather! That's all I can think.
The Fast and Furious 7 trailer came out on the First. I surprisingly did not cry. Shocking, ain't it? Everyone was expecting me to. My sister cried. My mom cried. I don't think I've fully registered the fact that Paul Walker passed. He's still alive to me. He always will be.
I finally got a job interview. It was at a bank. Hopefully, I get it. The benefits are amazing. Paid holidays, PTO, $10 an hour, and 25 hours a week. This job just seems perfect for someone with Asperger's. Mainly, thanks to numbers. Lots and lots of numbers. I should find out within the next week. Thankfully, they're not that busy of a location. So, I don't have to worry about that many people coming in. Just, hopefully, I get this job. It'll be great for my baby!
Now, for the reveal... Today, I found out that I am going to have a beautiful little girl. Just a little more than four months left. Amelia. This way her nick name will be Mia.In honor of Paul Walker. And the Fast and the Furious movies.