5 years without you

The hatred I have for today, is too great to put into words. It was so difficult to make it through the day. I managed to make it through the day, until See You Again came on the radio. That's when I finally broke. I knew that if I heard that song, it would make me cry. I've spent all day feeling down. A mixture of just feeling exhausted and just sick. I'm sure it had to be because of it being today. For those of you that have been stuck under a rock for the past 5 years. Today marks 5 years since Paul Walker had passed away. I know that there are some people that think I'm being silly. Why would I be upset about an actor five years later. Well, that's an easy answer. He wasn't just an actor to me. He was my hero. The things he accomplished, the things he did. He was an amazing person. He is the reason that I am so into cars. If it weren't for him, I may be a completely different person.
For those of you that didn't know, he even started a charity. Reach Out WorldWide. That's where I got the bracelet from that I always wear. For some reason, this year has been really rough. Not just today, though. It's been rough for a few months. I've thought about him every day. I'm sure it doesn't help that they have those F&F cars at Walmart that I started collecting. I get all the ones that were Brian's. I'm at 13 cars now. It's another way that makes me feel like he's still here.
I've thought about how I found out about his death, all day. I don't think I've felt that much heartache since then. Not even when my ex and I split after almost 2 years. Not when the guy I was falling for told me I didn't have a chance. Nope. Nothing has compared to that day. It made me physically sick. I still remember it, very vividly. Went out with a friend. Got a call from my sister, turned out to be a hoax at that time. Not even 5 minutes late, my mom called me to tell me it wasn't a hoax. My heart went right to my stomach. I thought I could keep going and just have a good time. I was so wrong. My feelings got worse as the night went on, until I actually got sick and had to go home. I spent the next day crying. A year after, I got my tattoo for him. Years later, I named my daughter after him. Mia from The Fast and the Furious franchise, and Noel. Not only is it my middle name, it's a movie that Paul Walker was in. Maybe one day, this day will be easier to handle. Maybe one day, I'll be able to watch Furious 7 and I Am Paul Walker. Unfortunately, today is not that day.

Nov. 24, 2018

Do you ever just sit there and think about how much better life could be? Who am I kidding, everyone has that thought. Well, mine has been increasing lately. I'm sure it has some connection to my depression or the fact that it's been just Mia and I for the past week (and I hate being alone). Either way, I've thought about it a lot. I try to figure out why my life is this way and not any other way. I guess it just comes down to jealousy. If you think about it, everything I think would make my life better is based off of something I've seen someone else have. Whether it's a close family (mine is close, but not as close as I've seen some), or a really good job (without college), being married, etc. There's always something that I wish I could have. Why can't my family be close and all love near each other? Why does my family live so far apart? Why don't we do things like other families, i.e. big Thanksgiving, family reunion, etc. It's not even just the extended family. My immediate family isn't that close either. My sisters and I don't talk as much as we used to. My parents are normally down at the condo. I know, before you say it, I'm 26, I need to get over it. But, this isn't what I want Amelia to learn. I want her to know that family is the closest bond you'll have. I can't really show her that.  I've had some "friends" get these really awesome jobs and have never been to college. They just got lucky. Well, probably not just lucky. They worked for it, but I've worked for it too. I need a way to do good without college. I could never handle college. Could you imagine my anxiety with that? Oh goodness, not a pretty picture.  One thing I've always wanted was a family. (Which is funny seeing as I originally wanted to be a nun). I've got Amelia, but I'd like someone to share my life with. I know I did things backwards, but it happened and I can't change that. Nor would I. Amelia came to me when I needed her. That's when that person will come into my life, too. I know that. Or, maybe they have, but it wasn't the right time. It doesn't matter because there is this thought, something someone told me, that stays in my head, "most guys don't want a mom". I used to joke with my older sister that a guy didn't want someone who was "used". Now look at me. She's got someone and I'm the one who is "used". Karma has a funny way to mess with people.
Anyway, on to happier things. My grandparents came up for Thanksgiving. I haven't seen them in about 2 years. Amelia didn't recognize them, but she knew them as 'Grandma and Grandpa' and she was so excited. She loved them. Probably because it was someone new to get attention from. She was so upset when they left and has asked, multiple times since then, if she can see them again. I think I'm the only grandchild, on this side, that likes spending time with them. Why not though, they're my family. I have good memories of them. At one point in time, I was very close to my uncle, who lives with them. (We'll get to why I said "was" one day.) Sadly though, I don't see them very often because they're obviously getting older and can't make the drive out as often. They only live about 2 hours away, but Mia doesn't do well in long car rides, so me driving there would be a pain. Then you also have the fact that they are major cat people and my allergies hate me and would make my life hell.
Lastly, Amelia went to her first birthday party, today! She had never been invited to one before. But, she had so much fun! There was a bouncy house and I had to fight to get her out. She wants one for her birthday, now. She was ready for it all day. "Mommy, time for party? Mommy, is it time to go see XXXX? Mommy, can we go?" It didn't help that, for most of the morning, internet and tv were down, so nothing would hold her attention. We finally went to lunch and went and walked around a store until it was time for the party. Of course, being my child, she didn't want to play with anyone else at the party. Nope. She just wanted in the bouncy house. I, pretty much, had to force her to talk to others. Unless they were in the bouncy house, they didn't exist to her. Maybe, I won't get her one for her birthday...

Not much 11/18

I have been trying to think of something to write about this weekend, but the truth is, nothing has happened. Well, things have happened, but not blog worthy, I guess. Let's see. Only worked two days this past week thanks to Holiday and snow days. What does this mean? Christmas is gonna stink. I have to cut down on my budget for everything in order to afford presents for those that are special to me. Everything will be less than $400, but I'm worried I won't afford it all as well as bills. It doesn't help I did something that is smart and stupid. I shredded my credit card. I could have used it for Christmas or emergencies, but since I have a spending problem, I decided it was time to get rid of it.
I was in this horrible pain today. I could barely move. It started in my stomach then spread to my sides, then back, head, and knees. I barely moved. This stuff is getting really annoying. But, I know I need to get used to it. Thanks to my mother, that is.
I really think that's about it. Get to work the Thanksgiving camp at AlphaBEST. I'll write again after Thanksgiving, which I'll be spending with my friend, Amanda, and her husband, Greg. (Thanks for the invite, again!)

I'd still go back to you

There has been something that I've wanted to get off my chest, but I know it'll cause people to think of me differently. I've recently been that girl. I was, I guess, seeing this guy who had a girl friend. It wasn't really seeing though. Just sex. That's not the type of person I normally am. There was something about him. Ever since I first met him. I don't believe in love at first sight, and I don't think I was ever in love with him, but there was something there. People around us could tell. I was told by an outsider before I even realized. I had been told that he looked at me a certain way and I never noticed. I was too busy thinking how I didn't have a chance with a guy like that. Little did I know, I did. Well, kind of. The whole time, I was always second for him. I knew I deserved better, but I didn't care. I just wanted him.
Anyway, it all started a few months after meeting each other. First it was just texting. We knew we liked each other, but at that time, we were both in a relationship. We'd even text while with our significant others, saying that we wished we were together instead. Eventually, I couldn't handle wanting to be with someone besides the guy I was with. A smart person would end things with the second person. Not me, I followed a Johnny Depp quote: "If you love two people at the same time, choose thesecond. Because if you really loved the first one, you wouldn't have fallen for the second." So, I broke things off with the boyfriend and went to see the other guy that day, to see if I made the right decision. Seven months later, I'm beginning to think it was the right decision, but for the wrong reasons. Anyway, this went on for a few months. I'd go over when he was the only one home. At first, I really didn't care. I had the guy I wanted, right? But then, it started to hit me. This is someone's boyfriend. I'm messing with a relationship. Don't get me wrong, I wanted it. Then, I started seeing her stuff at his place and I felt horrible. How would I feel in her shoes? No, she doesn't know, and I hope she never finds out, but I know, if she did, I'd feel horrible.
We went a few months without seeing each other, though we'd talk almost every day. We thought we had gotten over each other, so we decided to hang out again, mainly because I needed someone to talk to, who wouldn't judge me. We were wrong. We couldn't keep our hands off each other. I felt bad again, and I knew that if I felt bad, he did too. I knew he cared for his girlfriend, I knew he was happy. But, I wanted him to be happy with me. We finally talked about it all and decided that it needed to stop. If we decide to remain friends, we can only see each other in public. We (I) planned to go a few days without talking, I failed within 2 hours. I've never had someone make that much of an impact on me that I can't not text them. My issue is that he makes me feel so amazing, like he tells me I'm pretty and a great mom. He has helped my confidence so much more than he knows. You could tell when I saw him because I would be in this great, happy mood. Something that doesn't happen too often. I felt happier with having him around than any guy I've actually dated. I don't want to lose that, but it's for the best. I know I deserve better. He knows I deserve better.
Now, all this being said, do I think he's a bad guy? Not in the slightest. I don't believe in "once a cheater, always a cheater" I think you can have that one person who is enough of a temptation that you have to have it. No, that doesn't make it right, but it makes it a little more understandable. He is the one guy I would drop everything for to be with. Those who are close to me know that I mean it. Thankfully, I know he won't read this unless I send him the link (which I have no plans to), but if he did, somehow, I hope he knows that I wish him nothing but happiness with her.
If this changes your opinion of me, I'm sorry. Nobody is perfect and we all make mistakes. Before anyone asks, no I do not regret it at all. I regret nothing when it comes to him.

Nov. 11, 2018

There have been very many things that I have been wanting to write about. Of course, I either can't remember what it was or I'm not comfortable with writing about it yet.
Let's start off with what I am comfortable with writing about. There has been so much going on health wise. I finally saw a GOOD doctor, who you could actually tell cares about her patients. She spent some time getting to know me and what is going on. My depression has gotten more severe, not that that surprises me. I've been thinking it has. With so much that has gone on, why wouldn't it? Not to mention the issue that is still staying private for a little longer. (I promise to discuss it, eventually) Then we have the fact that my weight has been bothering me. When I got weighed, it was 129. That is just 4 pounds less than when I was fully pregnant. In order to change this, I am trying to get healthier. I have started by drinking a lot more water. Mainly water, actually. I allow myself a few sips of rootbeer, just to take my medicine. I'm trying to limit on my coffee, as well. I guess we'll see how that goes this week. Hopefully, my kids won't get too annoyed with me. I may get a little cranky. I am, also, looking into getting a nutritionist. My doctor said that it looks like that anorexia problem I had a few years back is still bothering me. Like, I eat, but not enough. My system still gets full easier and I forgot to eat. We're hoping a nutritionist can help with that. Who knows, maybe that and a psychiatrist will help me finally like what I see in the mirror. Next thing is that we want to get my eyes checked. My horner's syndrome has been causing more issues than before. I am now having more light sensitivity issues and that causes more headaches. We're hoping that we can get this all taken care of and maybe I'll be a whole new person.
Next, I had the WEIRDEST dream today while taking a nap with Amelia. It was one of those dreams inside another dream, but with 4 levels. The first level was this guy that I like admitting he likes me. Then the next was that my sister, Michaila, had this hermit crab that was like wrecking havoc on us. It got out of the cage and was leaving stuff for us to find. What kind of stuff? The bodies of full size crabs. Next level was reconnecting with old friends from high school. Ones that we were really close in school but lost touch afterwards. I miss them. Last one, I was a companion of the Doctor. Then I had to go back out each one to wake up. When I did wake up, I wasn't convinced I was awake. I actually pinched myself to make sure I was awake. Multiple hours later, and I could still describe each dream in detail. But, I'm sure everyone would judge me if I said everything.
Last thing, maybe. Michaila successfully moved out on Tuesday, the 6th. She made it to Texas right before midnight on the 7th. She said that she likes it. I kinda miss her though. Just don't tell her. (She doesn't read this, it's okay.)

I'm back

Obviously so many things have happened since I last posted. Almost 2 full years ago. There are new people in my life that mean everything to me. There are people who are no longer in my life. New job, new stressors, new everything. It's amazing how much things can change in just two years. I wish I could say why i stopped writing, but I'm not sure why. Maybe I'll just start with why I'm writing again.
First off, the main reason... As most of you know, the guy I thought I was going to marry and I broke up back in March. My doing. I thought it was for the best. Correction, I know it was and is for the best. Though, I didn't know it would take so long to get over him. We were going nowhere, I knew that. He had no plans of marrying me after being together for 2 years. I know he didn't want to deal with Amelia much, and neither of us deserved that. And, truth is, I started falling for someone else. Very fast. Very hard. And it's funny, that guy is now one of my best friends. I tell him everything. Anyway, back to the ex. So, found out he started dating someone else in May. That was okay, we were broken up and no longer on speaking terms. (He read something really private and I knew I couldn't trust him after that.) I, of course, was still in love with him. How could I not be? I spent 2 years with him. I looked at his Facebook, a lot. Fast forward to a week and a half ago. I realized nothing would ever happen between us again. I found out that his girlfriend lives with him (something I asked to do for a long time), she had a promise ring (which I later found out was originally intended to be my engagement ring), and she was pregnant. There went the knife into the heart. Actually, let me be honest, at first, I laughed. I laughed so hard. Karma helped. He will now have a kid that he can't run away from because of a bad mood, which he did to Amelia all the time. Then I took Amelia trick-or-treating in downtown and it hit. He's going to have a child to take trick-or-treating next year, without me. He's going to get those cute baby clothes for Christmas, something we planned for us. He's going to start doing family traditions with his kid. And it broke me. Thinking all those thoughts hurt, so much. I cried. I didn't sleep for two days. During my lack of sleep, I had a bright idea to text him. Why? Because I'm an idiot, that's why. I asked if it was all true. It was. Every bit. Except the ring. She didn't want that ring, so he returned it and bought her a new one. Everything I wanted with him, she now gets. How is that fair?! That's all I could think. What did I do to deserve that? Thanks to some girl friends, my mom, that friend mentioned earlier, and some amazing parents from my work, I realized this isn't a punishment for me. Its showing me how bad things could have been. They're not going to last, not to seem petty or anything, but I doubt they will. Relationships like that don't last forever. I'd be unhappy, and that's not something you want your child to see. That doesn't show them what marriage should be like. Besides, not only do I deserve better, Amelia does too. She deserves someone who loves her as much as I do. Someone who will stay with us, even on the bad days. So for now, I'll continue the single mom thing. One day, hopefully soon, I'll find that guy who will be a great father for Amelia.
Second major reason I'm writing again, besides the fact that it's relaxing and I love to write/type. My little sister, Michaila, is moving. She couldn't do something simple and just move to the next town. No.  She's moving to Texas. She leaves on the sixth. I'm really excited for her, but I'm really jealous. I'd love a fresh start like that. I could use one. But, not only that, she's the youngest sister. She should be the last one out of mom and dad's house. Not me. I'm the one with the kid. Yeah, I know, that has nothing to do with it. But it's a pride thing, I guess. I should've had a place before Amelia was born. But even when I worked management at TSC, I couldn't afford an apartment. People don't realize that it's so expensive to live on your own. Which is why I'm okay with living at home still. Sorry mom and dad, I know y'all want me out.
I think that's it for right now. Thanks for reading!