April 27, 2016

Amelia has been sick again. She had a fever again. About 101.8 under the arm. She seems to be feeling better, though. Hasn't been complaining or anything. She does have this cough that sounds horrible, like its mucousy. She kept gagging and stuff throughout the night. I felt bad for her. She'll just keep getting medicine, I guess. There is only so much that I can do to help her. She seems to be in a good mood, this morning. Even slept in until 9AM which I needed after I went on a hiking date.
The hiking date was great. Best date I've ever been on. Then again, really haven't gone on any proper dates. Went hiking in Harpers Ferry and then sat by the river for a bit. It was really relaxing. Mom even kept Mia so I could go. It was really nice. That's pretty much it.

April 23, 2015

There are so many things going on, and yer I have no idea what to talk about. Amelia took her first steps yesterday. I was quite proud but also really upset. She doesn't need to be growing up. She needs to stay my baby forever and ever. Though, it would be nice to be able to hold her hand and walk rather than always having to carry her. Especially after going to the zoo. It would be really helpful to not have to push that stupid stroller everywhere. She probably would've enjoyed it more if she could've gotten out of the stroller and walked up to the cages and such. Though, she did have some fun, anyway. She loved being able to pet the goats and a miniature donkey. I loved watching her face when she would look at the animals. Unfortunately, I didn't get to see the one animal I really wanted. The reason I picked the Maryland Zoo in Baltimore instead of the National Zoo. That being the Dik Dik. But, NOOOOOO. They weren't out. I didn't get to see my Dik Dik. That's all I wanted. They look so adorable. I'll be posting photos eventually. They're all on my phone. I've just been way too lazy.

Appointment

I got a psychiatrist appointment set for tomorrow, Monday at 1. Hopefully, this will get me a little closer to getting properly diagnosed. She told me that before my appointment, I need to make a list of symptoms/reasons I think I have Asperger's. I've taken two online tests to see what they say. One I had a score of 47 and the other 49. Both of these results meant that there is a likelihood of Asperger's. Granted we knew this, but I was hoping it would say more. I can't really think of any symptoms. I know the lack of eye contact. I know about the not learning to talk until about 4 and then being in speech therapy until 5th grade. Then there is the closeness with my mom. There is the lack of friends. Don't understand jokes. Anything and everything sexual is disgusting. I, apparently, make horrible life decisions. I don't know what else. Which is why I'm making this post. I'm hoping the people who read this can help. I know a few of you (Daddy, D2 and Santa) will be able to answer this the best. It doesn't matter if you comment on here or Facebook or message me. But, please, just let me know what you think. And, of course, I'll be giving the Doctor the link to this blog.

Storm

Two years ago, I lost my best friend. I had to put Storm down. It was a really hard day for me. My parents were on vacation in Florida and a family friend went with me because I wouldn't be able to go alone. I still remember going to the animal shelter in Frederick and picking him out. Coincidentally, our neighbors at the time adopted his brother. He would've loved Mia. He was so good with kids. I really do miss him. I can't believe it's already been two years. He was only 13. Granted, that is old for a big dog. Husky/Lab mix. Absolutely beautiful. And just a good boy. Oh, look, tears. I remember this one time where there was an earth quake near by and Mom, Michaila, and I all thought that Storm was leaning up against where we were sitting and scratching. We were all on different seats. Mom was on the chair, Michaila was on the love seat, and I was on the couch. I love you, baby boy. Always will.

April 13, 2016

There really isn't much that I want to talk about except for one major thing. Why do I always like the guys that are already in relationships. Mom says it's because I'm afraid of commitment and they can't really do anything if they're with someone else. But then, I feel really bad about it. But then it's fun. It's not like I do anything. It's just flirting and talking. I can handle that, but when they don't even want the other person to know that you even talk. Then, I start feeling guilty. Do I really have to though? Like, do I have anything to be feeling guilty about? I guess flirting is pretty bad. Not like I'm going to go off and have sex with them. I just, honestly, like the attention. Then again, who doesn't?
Only other thing, I finally contacted a psychiatrist. I just have to wait for the intake forms to be received before I get an appointment. Then I can finally get diagnosed with Asperger's, correctly. Not this "Oh, you have it, but not on paper" crap.
That's it for today.

April 4, 2016

Few things to go over today. First, it's National Autism Awareness Month. As someone with Autism, I appreciate this month. It's nice knowing that a lot of people are taking their time to learn about this. Granted, I think people should try to learn about Autism everyday, but I'll remain grateful that there is a least a month dedicated to Autism. As you know, I have Asperger's Syndrome. This is pretty much a social thing. It explains why I don't like being around people, why I don't have a "filter", and why I don't understand jokes or anything really. It, also, explains why I was delayed in my childhood. Unfortunately, it looks like Amelia is going to be in the same boat as her mama. Thankfully, since I've gone through it, we'll be able to manage hers a little better. I still need to get properly diagnosed, and I need to get Amelia seen. I know she's too young still, but talking to someone will help figure out if she needs tested later. I would say "better late than never" but in this case, I'd rather not wait. Early diagnosis could help so much.
Speaking of Amelia... Hand, foot, and mouth disease. She was diagnosed with that last Thursday, March 31. My poor baby. It isn't fun. Thankfully, she's doing better. She had a few fevers. The highest was 102.8 under the arm. She had all these little bumps that almost looked like pimples, but weren't. Apparently, that is a part of Hand, Foot, and Mouth. It's, also, very contagious. I had gotten it, but it didn't last too long. Really only a day and a half. Since she was feeling better, Grandma gave her some blackberries. She loved them.

I finally got some painting done. It was helping me destress. I keep feeling bad that Mia won't know her father. I know its best for her, but as her mother, I feel bad. She should have two parents that love her. But this man child thing, wouldn't make her life much better. Besides, as selfish as it is, I wouldn't be happy at all, which would affect Mia. The way he is, he wouldn't be able to do anything to help with a child. I noticed I keep saying he, even though I'm not 100% sure as to who her father is. It's either Ding Bat or DoucheNozzle. Yeah, that's what I refer to them as. They're great people... NOT. Anyway, neither one would be very good for her. I know, who am I to decide if her father should be around, but I am her mother. I have always been there for her, and I always will. Neither of those guys were good to me or nice really. One was abusive and one was degrading. Called me names and things, so no. Neither are good enough to be around my daughter. But, I do want to be able to find her a father figure. I don't mean my dad, or mom. I want to be able to look at her and tell her that this man is her father. Be able to have Mommy, Daddy, and baby. Everyone keeps telling me I have to at least try to find someone and not just sit and wait. I need to actually work at it. But then I'm told "you'll find love when you aren't looking" so I don't look.. "You need to look and try to find someone." I've even checked out dating sites, but I'm not going to pay an arm and a leg to find someone. Why can't it free. Maybe I should start finding single parent play date thing and get her friends and get friends for me.