Second day in a row, weird. I just had a few things that I needed to write about that have been bugging me. Now, anyone who knows me, knows I am a firm believer in "everything happens for a reason". But, frankly, sometimes that reason really sucks. There are things that happen that I'm still not sure the reason for. Religions even believe in this. Like, Christians believe that their God does certain things for who knows what reason. And Wiccans believe in Karma. Not exactly sure what other religions believe, though. Either way, what is the reasoning behind half the crap that happens. Like, are you not meant to be happy? What did you do to deserve the crap that happens. Staying up late trying not to cry better be because something awesome is going to happen. Now, there are times where I sit there and think how I'm just not meant to be happy because when I am, something always happens. But, then I look at Amelia. Just sitting there, happy as can be. I then realize that she is my happiness. She is my light. If I have to cry myself to sleep at night, at least I know I'll smile during the day when she is around. Nothing beats watching my little goof ball dance to songs on the Despicable Me movies. Maybe, she is the reason for all my bad moments. I can appreciate having her around even more.
The second topic I wanted to mention is that I never really noticed how insecure I was. I constantly question everything. "Am I a good mom?" "Am I a good girlfriend?" "Am I a good daughter, sister, aunt, etc." There are many more, but I don't think they need to be listed. Though, there is one that always gets me and I have to get reassurance a little too often... "Does he really like me?" I'm sure Erik gets really annoyed with me asking that all the time, but looking at my past relationships, can you really blame me. Though, he is the best boy friend I've ever had. He knows it, too. Fortunately, he knows exactly how to react to those moods and knows exactly what to say. I just wish those darn moods could stop. For everyone's sake. It can't be easy dealing with someone who is always disappointed in themselves and has such little confidence. I really try to be better though. Maybe, since I have money to afford it, I should go see my therapist again... She would probably have a field day with how I've been lately. But that's also why I have this blog. It's supposed to be therapeutic to write down your thoughts and feelings, right? But, then you get worried that the wrong person may see what you write and you panic, but then you think, f#@k it.
I think that is about it for my rant. Thank you to those who read this. Especially those people in France. Not sure who you are, but thank you!
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