Asperger's and the single mom

First, I want it to be known that I came up with the title for this post before even deciding to make a post and what to say in it.
I'm sure a lot of you are sick of me complaining about my life and (lack of) love life. But guess what, I'm sort of doing that in this post too. No, don't stop reading, hear me out. The reason I'm getting impatient with all this is when I was diagnosed with Asperger's syndrome my mom and I were both told, by 2 different therapist, that I will never live alone. I will never be able to function correctly without someone there. It will only be if I find someone who is willing to help, constantly. They said either a sibling, parent, or spouse. They said to not even think of a friend, that they wouldn't be able to commit like I need them to. I tried to live with a friend once and look how well that turned out, I got pregnant. I figure, at 26, my parents shouldn't have to be the ones responsible for me. I actually think I'm phrasing this all incorrectly. So, I can't exactly function like a normal person. I have more breakdowns than normal people. I have my "your Asperger's is showing" days, I forget things, I need my routines, etc. I could go days without eating if I didn't have reminders. I have my routines built around each shift at work. What I do is a routine. I can handle some changes, but only if I prepare for them. But, those random things that aren't accounted for, that's what gets me. One day, I called my mom and completely broke down in tears because someone filled out a paper that I normally do; but I can make an adjustment if a dog needs an unexpected bath. That's just at work. Imagine what would happen if I lived on my own with just Mia. It would be a trainwreck. I think it's to the point that I shouldn't be home and cramping my dad's style (yeah, I said that) and get out. But, there is 0 chance of me living with my sisters, so I need the husband. I don't want to live with my parents forever, and I'm sure they don't want me here forever. Maybe it'll happen soon. I can hope, right?

August 14, 2019

Obviously everyone has those days that they really hate themselves and says that they thinks they're amazing. Recently, I've had more of the first type of days, but that's also who I am. It's been brought to my attention by a very good friend that I have a habit of putting myself down and ruining anything that could be good before it happens. That friend thinks I have a fear of being happy because I always get hurt. You know what, I think he's right. Happiness has never been good for me, and I doubt it will be for awhile. First step would be for me to be happy and I don't see that happening anytime soon. But how can I be when I have it in my mind that I need to have certain things to be happy. Like a boyfriend/ husband? Well, more like a father for Amelia. I know she doesn't need one, not all families are the same. But she doesn't understand why her friends have dads and she doesn't. I've been told that I'll find love when I stop looking, but how will that happen if I'm either at work or home? Work relationships rarely ever work out for people, besides the fact that I look like the complete opposite of attractive while I'm at work. I'm always covered in dirt and mud and I'm typically sweaty. No one in their right mind would find that attractive. Now, on the other hand, I've been told that I have to go look for love too. That it's not just going to fall into my lap one day. Maybe I'll join a dating site, but guys on there are always super annoying and want one thing. I'm a single mom with a full time job, they aren't getting that one thing. I feel like I'm always complaining about my lack of love life and for that, I apologize. It's just that I try to find someone I like and then I always ruin it, or worse I find out they're married/ dating. I have horrible luck with love. Maybe I should accept being alone forever.
Anyway, on to happier thoughts. I have really enjoyed this week in myrtle beach. It's been very nice and really needed, but I'm so excited to go back to work. I miss all my doggies. We're going to the aquarium and to dinner tomorrow for mom's birthday, then heading home Friday. Hoping we'll be home by 6, but with 3 kids, I doubt it. We should leave by 8 a.m. and we'll eat lunch in the car, so it shouldn't be too late to return. Then work on Saturday!!! I've been making my favourite dog a bandana from here, I just hope she and her family like it. I swear, being away from Chori is the most difficult part of this week. Not even being away from Luna is this hard. Speaking of Luna, she's doing a doggie sleepover tonight and tomorrow at a kennel while everyone is out of town. I just hope she's doing alright. I'll be sure to call the kennel first thing in the morning to see how she is.

That's it for this post!

Hello, August

I believe I have finally found what I am meant to do with my life. I'm supposed to work with dogs, definitely. I love my job. There are days where I would like to stay longer, and if I could, I would. I don't even think of it as a job. I feel like the drive there and home are worse. That's the work, driving there. And being at the kennel is just something fun to do. I love each of those dogs. It's amazing when the dogs recognize you and get just as excited to see you. There are multiple dogs who come for daycare Monday- Friday. Those are all my babies. Just seeing those tails wag when they first see you can make every bad feeling go away. You're not supposed to have your favorites, but we all do. I try to treat them equally, but there are 3 who have iin between, really. She's my baby though. She could get away with murder. She's not even my dog and when I see dog toys and whatever, I think that she needs them. I've been able to stop myself. But she's still spoiled.
Anyway,  this job has made me think more about my sanctuary center. I know what I want to do and how. It's just the materials and money that I need. One day