Nov. 24, 2018

Do you ever just sit there and think about how much better life could be? Who am I kidding, everyone has that thought. Well, mine has been increasing lately. I'm sure it has some connection to my depression or the fact that it's been just Mia and I for the past week (and I hate being alone). Either way, I've thought about it a lot. I try to figure out why my life is this way and not any other way. I guess it just comes down to jealousy. If you think about it, everything I think would make my life better is based off of something I've seen someone else have. Whether it's a close family (mine is close, but not as close as I've seen some), or a really good job (without college), being married, etc. There's always something that I wish I could have. Why can't my family be close and all love near each other? Why does my family live so far apart? Why don't we do things like other families, i.e. big Thanksgiving, family reunion, etc. It's not even just the extended family. My immediate family isn't that close either. My sisters and I don't talk as much as we used to. My parents are normally down at the condo. I know, before you say it, I'm 26, I need to get over it. But, this isn't what I want Amelia to learn. I want her to know that family is the closest bond you'll have. I can't really show her that.  I've had some "friends" get these really awesome jobs and have never been to college. They just got lucky. Well, probably not just lucky. They worked for it, but I've worked for it too. I need a way to do good without college. I could never handle college. Could you imagine my anxiety with that? Oh goodness, not a pretty picture.  One thing I've always wanted was a family. (Which is funny seeing as I originally wanted to be a nun). I've got Amelia, but I'd like someone to share my life with. I know I did things backwards, but it happened and I can't change that. Nor would I. Amelia came to me when I needed her. That's when that person will come into my life, too. I know that. Or, maybe they have, but it wasn't the right time. It doesn't matter because there is this thought, something someone told me, that stays in my head, "most guys don't want a mom". I used to joke with my older sister that a guy didn't want someone who was "used". Now look at me. She's got someone and I'm the one who is "used". Karma has a funny way to mess with people.
Anyway, on to happier things. My grandparents came up for Thanksgiving. I haven't seen them in about 2 years. Amelia didn't recognize them, but she knew them as 'Grandma and Grandpa' and she was so excited. She loved them. Probably because it was someone new to get attention from. She was so upset when they left and has asked, multiple times since then, if she can see them again. I think I'm the only grandchild, on this side, that likes spending time with them. Why not though, they're my family. I have good memories of them. At one point in time, I was very close to my uncle, who lives with them. (We'll get to why I said "was" one day.) Sadly though, I don't see them very often because they're obviously getting older and can't make the drive out as often. They only live about 2 hours away, but Mia doesn't do well in long car rides, so me driving there would be a pain. Then you also have the fact that they are major cat people and my allergies hate me and would make my life hell.
Lastly, Amelia went to her first birthday party, today! She had never been invited to one before. But, she had so much fun! There was a bouncy house and I had to fight to get her out. She wants one for her birthday, now. She was ready for it all day. "Mommy, time for party? Mommy, is it time to go see XXXX? Mommy, can we go?" It didn't help that, for most of the morning, internet and tv were down, so nothing would hold her attention. We finally went to lunch and went and walked around a store until it was time for the party. Of course, being my child, she didn't want to play with anyone else at the party. Nope. She just wanted in the bouncy house. I, pretty much, had to force her to talk to others. Unless they were in the bouncy house, they didn't exist to her. Maybe, I won't get her one for her birthday...