March 1, 2019

I am sorry it has been so long since I last wrote. I kept thinking how I would write after getting Mia to sleep, but then I'd fall asleep.
Not much has happened this month though. It did go really quickly though. Probably thanks to all the snow days and two hour delays, though. Oh, I did start going to the gym though. I was doing really well. Lost 5 inches around my waist. But, then I missed one day. Then it became a week. Then two weeks. Now, I'm at three weeks since last going and having gained the 5 inches back, plus some. No, I don't like how I look, we all know this. Unfortunately though, I don't like the drive to the gym I belong to. It's almost an hour drive from work to the gym. It got annoying quicker than I thought it would. I'm planning to join a different gym when I get my tax refund and pay for a whole year. This gym, I pass on my way home from work, so it'll work out much better. Maybe I'll start to like myself again.
The only other thing I can think of writing about is something that has been on my mind lately. Amelia's birth. Did you know I didn't get to hold her after she was born? All this time, I thought I did. Nope. Mom told me that they instantly took her to NICU. I told my mom how it upsets me that I don't remember much about her birth, but she reminded me that the birth was that bad. That I lost that much blood. I knew it was bad, but not that bad. I didn't know my mom was thinking she'd have to bury both her daughter and granddaughter. I remember being told that I would need a blood transfusion and that Mia had to stay in NICU, but I didn't know how bad it truly was. I remember being told to have an abortion, numerous times during pregnancy. I remember the hospital trips thinking I had a miscarriage. I remember everything except actually having her, but I also remember a lot. I remember waking up in the hospital with my parents there, them smiling, but my baby not being there. I remember it started snowing as I was being wheeled down to see Amelia. I remember seeing Amelia through glass and seeing the nurses with a concerned look on their face. I remember being told that I may not get to take my baby home. Normally, I don't believe in miracles, but with these memories coming back, I know Amelia was my little miracle. I know it's a miracle we both got to come home. I'm sure you're wondering why all these thoughts so randomly. Well, you never know what could happen. I had a high school friend give birth to a still born. I have an old friend whose daughter had her third open heart surgery within her first 2 months of life. It made me realize how lucky Amelia and I truly are. As some of you know, I don't believe in God, but I would seriously like to thank whatever higher being there is for giving my daughter and me our lives.