12/15/15-Feelings

I realize no one really reads this, and that's okay, at least I can say I said these things finally. Not my fault if no one actually reads it. I'm sorry that I'm not a great writer, that I don't instantly grab your attention. I'm sorry that I could care less, really. I'm writing this blog more for me. Like an online diary that others can read. Don't get my wrong, I love that some of you actually read this. But, I'm sure its not one of those that you are like "Yay, she updated, again" it's probably more like "what is she complaining about this time?" Think about it though, I hate talking to people, especially about myself. This way, I can say things once and hide behind a computer screen. I can vent this way instead of annoying whoever I decide to talk to. No one has to read this. It's up to you, really. And no, it won't hurt my feelings if you don't read it. To be honest, I'm actually surprised every time I see someone viewed this. I don't even think my parents read any of this. So, why would I expect other people to?
If I still have anyone reading this, there are a few things I would like to talk about. They kind of link into each other, thankfully. So, I took this autism test for Amelia. With the answers I gave, it said there was a high chance she has it. Which, we knew that. She shows numerous signs. What bugs me is, my mom went over my answers and apparently I got a lot wrong. This showed me that I apparently don't know my daughter as well as I thought I did. Realizing this hurt more than I thought it would. I pretty much felt my heart break. I am a single mother and I don't even know my own daughter. I'm not even sure she knows that I am her mother and not just the "boob lady". I did some research on this and it is apparently signs of PPD or postpartum depression. I thought that you had to get it early on, like right after giving birth. I'm not sure if it actually is PPD or just something all moms think about. But, it's to the point where I started crying. I'm going to talk to my mom about it, eventually. Maybe if she reads this, she'll get a hint or something. I don't know. Sadly, I kind of doubt it. Maybe, I can take some time off work, (I only work 3-4 a week though) and just spend time with my munchkin. We'll see after these three days I have off. See if it gets better.
I'm, also, thinking maybe quit my job and start going to college. I would like to be able to say I could work and go to school, but if I already feel like I don't know my daughter due to not spending much time with her, why would I go to work and school? I wouldn't be able to handle it mentally. So, maybe, if my parents are okay with it, I take some time off work and go to school. Just to make sure that I still have some money and stuff, I want to start my own little craft business. I feel like I can handle doing that with college. Of course, my mom will make stuff, too. I would focus on jewelry and some painting crafts. That would be something I can handle doing every day, or days I'm not at school. This way, I'm working from home and get to spend time with Amelia. Which beats having to leave her all the time. I guess we'll see what happens.